ATF agents break into North Carolina residents’ homes and confiscate their guns during Florence (or so residents fear). (Paul Caffrey)

Evacuate? We’re No Fools.

North Carolinians stand their ground against Florence

With Category 4 hurricane Florence hurtling toward the coast, the North Carolina governor told residents to leave their homes. Their answer? “No government’s gonna trick us out of our homes.”

Rather than heading for drier and safer territory, North Carolinians are flocking to gun stores to buy more weapons to defend their homes. Not against Florence, however.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Beverly Hatmakker of Sunken Coast told The Haven. “Guns won’t stop a hurricane. But they will stop the Deep State from confiscating our guns.” Asked to clarify, Hatmakker spelled out North Carolinian’s greatest concern. If they abandon their homes, Robert Mueller and rogue FBI agents will break in and steal their guns.

“We’ll be defenseless when the Big Witch Hunt starts,” said Beau Beau Ashcrack.

“The Big Witch Hunt?” we asked him to clarify.

“Guns won’t stop a hurricane. But they will stop the Deep State from confiscating our guns.”

“You know. After the Rogue FBI locks up our President in some Federal dungeon, who do you think their gonna come after? Us, the real Americans who threaten their brutal regime.”

“Who do you trust? The experts who always get it wrong? Or good Americans and Carolinians?” asked Mary Beth Biggblumers of Falling Cliffs. “There isn’t even a hurricane. It’s just something they made up with CSI on their computers to fool us.”

Residents are so concerned they’ve even launched a Save Our Guns (SOG) campaign on Facebook and Twitter. According to the posts, rogue units of the FBI (nicknamed Roguebama) will raid vacant homes looking for guns and evidence of loyalty to Drumpf. Then they will arrest the home owners and deport them to Shitholistan in the place of the shit hole people who should be deported.

“There isn’t even a hurricane. It’s just something they made up with CSI on their computers to fool us.”
Rural North Carolina residents think Florence is an excuse to take their guns.
Rural North Carolina residents think Florence is an excuse to take their guns.

When asked what the state intends to do to evacuate reluctant residents, the Governor’s executive assistant Blane Danbohring replied, “What can we do? If we call the National Guard, they’ll see that as evidence they’re right. So we’ll let them stick it out, and those that survive can say, ‘I defended my home from Roguebama,” and the rest will end up getting their guns confiscated by clean up crews.”

“I used to think stupidity was genetic. Now I know it’s a virus that people can’t wait to catch.”

He added thoughtfully, “I used to think stupidity was genetic. Now I know it’s a virus that people can’t wait to catch.”


Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.