Exclusive! Trump’s Briefing Paper for First Foreign Trip Leaked!
Double Spaced with Bullet Points and Praise
Dear Mr. President,
In anticipation of your first trip abroad as President, we have prepared the following information for your review. As you instructed, we have condensed the information for each destination into one page, double-spaced, with bullet points. Also, there are pictures! Yay pictures!
- Saudi Arabia is a kingdom in the Middle East that is famous for oil and beheadings. (We know what you are thinking, Donald J. Trump, but nope, not currently possible in the U.S. no matter how well deserved.)
- Saudi Arabia is ruled by a royal family that is very, very rich. But not as rich as Donald J. Trump. Also, even though we have not seen the women in the royal family because their faces are covered, we are sure they are not as beautiful as Ivanka.
- In Saudi Arabia, you will have a chance to Trump-splain Islam to the Muslims! This is the moment when Donald J. Trump will be able to shine! You will give a speech written by Stephen Miller (you know, that guy who looks like Smeagol?) who is a well-known fan of Islam. What could possibly go wrong?
- You may also be invited to attend a male-only concert featuring your friend, Toby Keith (which will not be weird at all) and to meet with a war criminal! How fun for Donald J. Trump!
- Conclude your trip by ignoring human rights abuses and selling $350 billion worth of weapons to the Saudis that definitely will not end up in the hands of terrorists.
The Saudis are sure to love Donald J. Trump!
- Israel is also a country in the Middle East. The Israelis love Donald J. Trump, who is nothing like that Muslim terrorist, Barack Obama.
- Israel is a place where many Jews live. But be prepared because most of them are not like Ivanka.
- Donald J. Trump will lay a wreath at Yad Vashem, which is a memorial to those killed in the Holocaust. (Pro tip — do not compare the persecution of Donald J. Trump to the persecution of the Jews, no matter how similar they might be.)
- You will also visit the Western Wall and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, where Donald J. Trump will pretend to say heartfelt prayers.
- You will meet with the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, and with Mahmoud Abbas, President of the Palestinian Authority. But not at the same time for reasons too complicated to explain here.
- Jared has been working very hard on settling the disputes between the Israelis and Palestinians which should be so, so easy, but peace in the Middle East turned out to be much harder than expected! No one knew how hard Middle East peace could be! We think Donald J. Trump should be able to settle the disputes. Just like Andrew Jackson could have avoided the Civil War.
- The Israelis may be a bit cranky because of that whole “leak” of “classified” intelligence to the Russians which you, Donald J. Trump, were totally allowed to do. We think that may be the reason why the Israelis will not allow you to land your helicopter on the top of Masada — which would have been almost as cool as pretending to drive the truck in the White House driveway. Vroom, vroom, President Donald J. Trump!
The Israelis are sure to love Donald J. Trump!
- After leaving Israel, Donald J. Trump will fly to Rome and go to the Vatican. The Vatican is a teeny tiny sovereign nation, much like Mar-a-Lago — only Mar-a-Lago has fewer priests.
- At the Vatican, you will meet Pope Francis, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church. It would probably be best if Donald J. Trump does not ask the Pope if you can call him “Frank.”
- At the Vatican, Donald J. Trump will announce that you are naming Callista Gingrich, the third wife of Newt, as ambassador to the Vatican — which is not ironic at all.
- The Pope will probably speak to Donald J. Trump. It will sound like “Blah, blah, refugees, blah, blah, climate change, blah, blah, economic justice, blah, blah, caring for others.” Donald J. Trump should feel free to ignore the Pope’s remarks because the Pope is not as smart as Donald J. Trump, who is so, so smart and knows more about Catholicism than the Pope.
The Catholics are sure to love Donald J. Trump!
- After the Vatican, Donald J. Trump will fly to Brussels, Belgium. Belgium is a country where there are two official languages, French and Flemish. Donald J. Trump may want to suggest building a wall to separate citizens who speak different languages. The Belgians will love that idea!
- During Donald J. Trump’s time in Brussels, you will meet with leaders of the NATO countries. Your meetings will last only 2 to 4 minutes each because who can concentrate for more than 4 minutes at a time?
- You will spend your time asking the NATO leaders for more money. After requesting money, Donald J. Trump should work this sentence into each of his meetings:
Nice little country you have there. It would be a shame if anything happened to it.
- While at NATO headquarters, please be sure to leave behind that houseplant that the Russian ambassador asked you to deliver to NATO when he met with you in the Oval Office last week. He’s so nice!
- Donald J. Trump will love the food in Belgium. Chocolate and frites (a stupid name for French fries) are Belgian specialties. Add a diet Coke and 2 scoops of ice cream, and it will be just like dining at the White House!
NATO is sure to love Donald J. Trump!
- If Donald J. Trump looks on a map, Sicily is the deflated soccer ball of Italy. Donald J. Trump will be traveling to Sicily for a meeting of the leaders of the “G7.” The “G7” is a group consisting of the United States and its 6 closest allies.
- Donald J. Trump should be sure to yell at the other G7 leaders as loudly and often as possible. Because they really are a bunch of dummies who are taking advantage of the United States. I mean, it’s not like that pretty boy, Trudeau, declared war on us after you imposed trade sanctions against Canada.
- Also, Donald J. Trump should not let that old stick in the mud, Angela Merkel, spoil Donald J. Trump’s fun. Do not shake her hand, but we understand that she enjoyed receiving a back rub from George W. Bush, so you might try that to loosen her up. She also enjoys being reminded of Hitler as often as possible.
- Additional pro tip — do not ask French President Macron if his wife is his mother.
The G7 is sure to love Donald J. Trump!
The White House staff wishes you good travels, President Trump. We are confident that no controversies will arise while you are away.
Page Barnes is the founder of the new Medium humor publication, The Haven. Find it and follow it at Medium.com/the-haven. And write for The Haven if you dare. If you enjoyed this article, please click the 💚 and share it.
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