Online dating advice
Expelled from Match.com!
How to create a winning profile and score hot chicks on internet dating sites… until they pull the plug
Dating headline: Tom Selleck Look-a-like In Search of Love
For fun
I enjoy risky activities like running with scissors, skydiving without a chute, and guessing women’s weight. I like doing things in dark, damp places and want to find someone who enjoys the same. I love the ocean and dream of opening a five-star skincare clinic at the trendy Paranur Gandhi Leprosy Colony in Hawaii. Like my parole officer, I feel that if you find the right vocation, your job and your hobbies become one in the same.
My job
I work as a telemarketer for a cemetery. Calling people at dinner time to discuss their immediate plans after death has helped me immensely with the online dating scene. After working at “Plots ‘R Us” for six months, I’ve developed a thick enough skin to allow me to work through all of the hate mail and death threats I’ve accumulated on Match.com.
My ethnicity
I was born the only Jewish boy in a home full of Mormon women. Plagued by daily beatings at the hand of my seven-year-old sister, I struck out on my own at the age of forty-three, in search of my father: the only gay Karate Instructor I’ve ever known.
My mother told me that I was conceived in the back seat of a 1943 Peugeot station wagon on her prom night. Since that time, I’ve become inexplicably drawn to used car salesmen and the smell of cheap upholstery.
My religion
I was baptized as a Buddhist, circumcised by a freelance Mohel, and spent the first ten years of my life sequestered in a Catholic confessional, so I consider myself religious but not spiritual. My sect believes in reverse re-incarnation: that mankind has already lived their best days in the distant past and there’s nowhere to go but downhill.
Favorite hot spots
I’m generally not a “club” person, but sometimes I’ll dress up in my best leisure suit and go looking for Bakersfield disco clubs; pretty tough since discos went out in the 1970s. I love traveling and will often stow away in cargo containers aboard trans-pacific freighters. The accommodations aren’t great but I’ve met a lot of wonderful people and have become fluent in fifteen dialects of Tagalog.
Favorite things
Since I’ve been paroled, life has been about taking advantage of all of the things I could never have while sharing a cell with three women: my own bar of soap, sharp objects, falling asleep without screaming, being stabilized on my medications, a new tattoo every week with a clean needle and unfettered access to the general public.
Last read
Although I love to read, since the lobotomy I haven’t been able to tackle anything much longer than ten words before I start to hyperventilate. I generally stick to reading the instructions on Preparation H boxes or the restraining orders that inevitably come every week.
Someday, I’d like to tackle a great American novel; something like “Curious George and the Pizza,” “Is Your Mama a Llama?” or “The Frog and the Toad Are Friends.”
About me and what I’m looking for
My therapist tells me I’m a mystery wrapped in an enema. I’ve been told that I’m good-looking, sexy, have great legs, am fun to be with, and exceptional wit. But that might have just been to get me to eat my peas.
I spend most of my time outdoors and love to travel. Living on freight trains will do that to you. I love to exercise and enjoy a good chase from the police on a warm summer evening. My special lady has to be tall, smart, of good child-rearing stock, and have extra-wide hips as I intend to have ten or fifteen kids once I get off of the anti-depressants.
I was raised by my grandparents: devout polygamists who practiced celibacy. My grandmothers used to tell me that I could be anything in life I wanted to be as long I made decisions with my “big” head instead of my “little” head.
I’m looking for the kind of woman who knows how to take care of me: the kind of lady who doesn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to adjust my IV drip or change my soiled diapers. I need a woman who likes to cuddle and hold me after my panic attacks. I’m a great conversationalist and most of the time I can form whole sentences despite the Thorazine.
They say that the majority of successful relationships begin in the workplace. Although I’ve had passionate relationships with the UPS driver, three of the security guards, fourteen temps, and all of the cleaning women, I still haven’t found “the one.” Having exhausted all of my workplace options, I’m turning to Match.com to meet that special someone.
The woman of my dreams
I have exceptionally high standards with the women I allow into my life. They have to be either smart, dull, funny, lifeless, passionate, cold, humorless, wealthy, poor, athletic, sedentary, slim, fat, beautiful, plain, wealthy, broke, healthy, infirm, generous, chintzy, self-centered, old, young, well-traveled, self-absorbed or have just about any other qualities a man looks for in a woman; as long as they’re alive, warm and breathing.
Are you out there?
Author’s note: this was the actual profile, word for word, I successfully used on Match.com. At least until the end.
