Experiments to Keep My Head From Being Dribbled Like a Basketball During March Madness
Putting my anti-head-dribbling theories to the test.
Experiment: Sat behind large pillar during game to avoid attention. Cost: $350. Result: Discovered by the peanut vendor and my head was dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Wore a T-shirt that said, “Attention: My Head is Not A Basketball.” Cost: $40. Result: Drew attention. My head was dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Hired an actor to impersonate me at game and divert crowd’s attention away from real me. Cost: $200. Result: Actor dribbled my head like a basketball.
Experiment: Used reverse psychology; asked people to please dribble my head like a basketball. Cost: $0. Result: My head was dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Hired LeBron James as spokesman to raise awareness that my head is not a basketball. Cost: $2,780,000. Result: Betrayed by LeBron at eleventh hour; head dribbled by entire Los Angeles Lakers organization.
Experiment: Walked on hands with legs in the air to fool people into thinking my head was my butt. Cost: $11. Result: Head and butt both dribbled like a basketball.
Experiment: Ran for state senate to enact law that restricts dribbling my head like basketball. Cost: $809,000. Result: Landslide victory with bipartisan support. Once sworn in, other members of senate took turns dribbling my head like basketball.
Experiment: Kept actual basketball with me at all times to compare with head, explain key differences. Cost: $35. Result: Steph Curry sunk game-winning basket with my head (this was followed by intense head-dribbling).
Experiment: Attempted to turn spectators against one another by claiming one team better than other, then sneak out of stadium during riot to avoid head dribbling. Cost: $0. Result: Crowd’s bond strengthened around hatred of me. My limp body was carried to basketball court and handed to referee, who proceeded to dribble my head like a basketball.
