SKETCHY RETIREMENT ADVICE

Explode Your Retirement Savings by Maybe Winning Big in Las Vegas

Financial advisors hate this one weird 3-step trick!

Clif Haley
The Haven
Published in
4 min readApr 22, 2023

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Image: Dreamstime

One surefire way to really give your retirement savings a kick in the pants is to win a lot of money in Las Vegas. This is how I recently exploded my retirement savings account from, roughly, $0 to somewhere around $43 (I’ll need to check with my accountant to be sure.) Continue reading to learn my patented 3-step method for achieving similar results.

Hey, thanks for continuing to read! I was really worried you’d bail out after that first paragraph, perhaps thinking that such success only happens to “other people”, but rest assured that you, too, can earn enough money in Las Vegas to at least cover the cost of a month’s worth of adult diapers in your golden years¹. Continue continuing to read to learn how.

1) Getting to Las Vegas

First, you need to book a trip to Las Vegas. It’s very difficult — almost impossible — to win a lot of money in Las Vegas if you don’t go to Las Vegas. Thankfully, getting to Las Vegas these days is pretty easy. Gone are the days of having to survive a harrowing trek on the Oregon Trail in covered wagons, possibly dying of dysentery, and having to restart the entire game. Nowadays, you can just fly there.

To book your flight to Las Vegas, simply go to your favorite travel booking website, enter your username, enter your password, enter a different password when the travel booking website informs you that whatever you entered first was incorrect, enter yet another password when the second one you entered doesn’t work, click the “forgot password” link to receive an email with a link to set a new password, click the link, enter a new password, and then when the travel booking website informs you that you can’t use the password you already have — which is, of course — the very same damn password you tried the first time that didn’t work for some reason, stomp on your laptop with golf cleats and just drive to the airport to buy a ticket at the counter.²

2) Staying in Las Vegas

If you’re the type of person who likes staying in hotels when you travel, then you will love Las Vegas. Vegas boasts more hotels per capita than any other city in the United States and even many small countries.³

One hotel I can very much recommend because it’s the only one I’ve ever stayed at is the Luxor Hotel. The Luxor is a “theme” hotel created to resemble an ancient Egyptian pyramid. Once you enter the hotel you’ll be whisked away to a faraway time when the ancient gods of Egypt ruled and apparently played a hell of a lot of casino games.

Image taken by me before pawning my camera to cover massive gambling losses.

Fun fact: Each of the massive 30 ton stone blocks used to construct the entrance to the Luxor Hotel & Casino are comprised of thousands of years worth of densely compressed mortgages lost at the craps table.

3) Winning Money in Las Vegas

There are three primary types of games you can play in Las Vegas:

  1. Games that involve cards. These types of games should be avoided. The odds for these games are in the casino’s favor since nobody knows how to actually play any of them. The rules are made up on the spot by casino dealers. The only people who win at these games are “high rollers” who tend to bet a lot of money and know guys with names like “Guido” and “Vinny the Vice” who can sometimes “convince” the dealers — and the dealers’ loved ones — to let them win.
  2. Games that involve little balls rolling around big bowls with numbers on them. These games should be avoided as well since they involve no skill what-so-ever but only pure chance, just like playing the state lottery, which nobody ever wins, aside from people with zero money management skills who end up blowing all their winnings on installing marble columns in their mobile homes and buying tigers.
  3. Games with bright lights that constantly make loud dinging noises. These are really the only games you should play. The rules are simple: make the game create dinging noises and hope that you win something. The trick here is to make sure you hope enough. The more you hope, the better your chances of winning. It also helps to chain smoke and drink upwards of thirty-five $15 beers.

With these three simple steps you are now well on your way to retiring comfortably and enjoying the rest of your days in style. Don’t take it from me, take it from this picture of me holding a huge $43 cashout voucher spat out by one of the bright lights and dinging noises games:

Now I’ll be able to afford name brand tennis balls for my walker feet when I retire!

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  1. And, yes, I’m referring to new adult diapers. You’ll be living like a king compared to the other geezers at the Stenchwood Retirement Estates & Rodent Sanctuary.
  2. Make sure you buy a ticket to Las Vegas, otherwise, the rest of this article is not going to be very useful for you.
  3. At least it sure seems that way, although I must admit I’m not exactly sure what “per capita” means.

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Clif Haley
The Haven

Sometimes Clif eats pizza with a fork, but usually not. He has somehow managed to get published in MuddyUm, The Haven, & Doctor Funny.