The Haven
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The Haven

Facebook’s Algorithm Is Ruining Everyone’s Life (Except Mine Because I Only Get Puppy Videos)

America is in crisis!

(Photo by Sergio Souza.)

America is in crisis!

News stories and exposés are published every day warning of the alarming radicalization effect Facebook’s algorithm is having on American society, which was initially a real surprise to me, as my Facebook feed features almost exclusively puppies doing cute and clumsy things, often with fun, upbeat music accompanying their puppy antics.

According to reports, the nation’s Baby Boomers and Millennials alike are being helplessly sucked into rabbit holes of fake news clickbait, echo chambers of grievance politics, and absurd conspiracy theories.

Every second an unsuspecting consumer of digital media clicks on a link headlined in all capital letters, and is gateway-drugged into ethno-nationalism, QAnon, Illuminati panic, ironic neo-communism, social justice warrior puritanism, flat-Eartherism, 9/11 speculation, and multi-level cosmetic pyramid schemes!

go to Facebook’s search bar, type in “puppies,” and spend an hour liking and sharing every adorable video you find!

But there’s an easy way to avoid letting yourself and those you love succumb to Facebook’s vortex of siloed delusions feeding rage and paranoia ceaselessly for engagement access to your eyeball attention in tireless pursuit of potential advertising revenue: go to Facebook’s search bar, type in “puppies,” and spend an hour liking and sharing every adorable video you find!

This tells Facebook’s algorithm that, from now on, the best way to get advertisements in front of your eyes is to pair them with extravagantly unconstrained puppy binges.

And if you find your parents, siblings, or friends daily sharing clips spewing hate, bias, and ignorance, I have the perfect “life hack” for changing the attitudes around you from negative to positive! Sneak on to their Facebook accounts, and unfollow all the radical pages and groups they regularly share angry posts and videos from. Then follow for them pages and groups with names such as “Puppy Heaven,” “Puppies For Adoption Near Me,” and “Puppies Gone Wild.”

You can save your loved ones from their their algorithmic descents into us-vs-them hyper-partisanship, vitriol and ubiquitous paranoia, and instead give them a gentle push into puppy-derived bliss.

Instead of that Tucker Carlson rant about Great Replacement theories, your parents will share precious videos of puppy cuddle puddles. Instead of an Alex Jones exposé on chemtrails turning frogs gay, your uncle will share a puppy howling practice session. And your sister will stop calling everyone “worse than Hitler” in the comments, and instead leave GIFs of puppies dressed comically in people’s clothing. That’s always fun!

So be the change you want to see in the world!

Turn your social media accounts, and the accounts of everyone you know, into algorithmic utopias of puppy paradise!

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Dash MacIntyre

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post, and is publishing comedy lots of places. Follow THP on Twitter to read my Dada journalism.