FAQs about using our mildly toxic baby frogs against problem neighbors
Q: Exactly how does the process work? Would someone need to eat them?
A: The tiny kiddos each come encased in a slimy goo. This comes customized, consisting of a gelatinous mixture of intoxicating pheromones and alkaloids that will compel someone to reach out and grab them. Once caught by the fistful, they easily twist, slip, and slither away leaving behind a transdermal gel on the handler.
Q: How do I ensure the frogs don’t harm my neighbor’s kids or their pets?
A: All TadPro™ tadpoles are programmed to target specific individuals, and only them.
Q: Why are the frogs so expensive?
A: Unfortunately, Specimens are not indigenous and must be sourced from far-flung lands including Central and South America. This cost reflects in part, the challenging global logistics involved. Additionally, we maintain an in-house laboratory staffed by highly trained specialists. This ensures only the highest standards of quality for our clients.
Q: What happens to the frogs once the job is done?
A: Once their task is completed, the frogs will hop their way back to the pod they came in. This is achieved by way of a proprietary electromagnetic homing beacon. A TadPro™ courier is available 24/7 to come and retrieve them.
Q: Why just babies? Can’t I order a pod of adults instead?
A: People logically assume that adults might deliver quicker and more effective results. While this could very well be true, it can also be extremely dangerous and has not been adequately tested. The frogs acquire their potency by being fed a steady diet of special toxic dust mites. The older a frog gets, the more concentrated and rather unpredictable their toxins get.
Q: I largely get along just fine with my neighbors. However, I have quite a few coworkers I find intolerable. Can I use the frogs on them?
A: We highly recommend you not release your swarm in an office setting. Mostly because of the stress the ensuing activity would cause innocent bystanders. Frogs are also nocturnal and operate at optimal levels in the darkness. Ergo, they should not be released during banker’s hours.
Q: My frogs escaped and I can’t find them. What should I do?
A: This is extremely rare and is almost always caused by mishandling the pod and its delicate beacon wiring. Contact customer support and a secondary backup signal will be broadcast. A flat rate maintenance fee of $34,980.77 will be applied to the credit card we have on file.
Q: My neighbor is still alive even after I unleashed TadPro™ frogs on them multiple times. Do I get a refund?
A: Attacks are not aimed to cause death. We at TadPro™ are scientists, not a mercenary service. The goal is to cause short-term intense psychosis on the target. This manifests itself through dramatic hallucinations, gnashing of the teeth, terrifying shrieks, maniacal giggling, and frothing at the mouth. A subject’s eyes may significantly bulge out and randomly change colors.
