
Feds Replace Paychecks With Peanuts
White House needs money to pay for parade
Federal employees got a pleasant surprise in this week’s paycheck. Peanuts. Hundreds, sometimes thousands of peanuts. “It took me most of the afternoon to sweep the mess and throw it away,” said senior White House receptionist and thirty-year employee Sella Vlabor. “Then I realized they were my paycheck and I had to dig them from the dumpster in the back.”
Vlabor was one of three million Federal employees who discovered this week that they were being paid in peanuts instead of dollars. “The bastards in accounting didn’t even include a pay slip to tell us how much our peanuts are worth,” Vlabor added. “I got 5000 peanuts and my pay is 5000 before withholding. That makes them worth about a dollar fifty a peanut. Drumpf must have hired accountants from the same school that taught economics to the Department of Labor.”
“I got 5000 peanuts and my pay is 5000 before withholding. That makes them worth about a dollar fifty a peanut. Drumpf must have hired accountants from the same school that taught economics to the Department of Labor.”
The switch in currency was made with no announcement during the same week the Drumpf malignistration decided to cancel planned pay raises for Federal staff. Even though the scheduled pay raise barely covered the cost of living, Drumpf decided the 25 billion dollar burden would be fiscally irresponsible for a government cutting taxes by six time that amount next year.
B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant deputy, called the move “disappointing, but not surprising. Nor are we really surprised by his decision to consult no one on his staff except cabinet officials.” Cabinet officials (and members of the Drumpf family) were the only employees exempted from the pay freeze and currency conversion.
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross and Economic Council Chair Larry Kudlow, however, were allowed to convert their currency to yen. Drumpf family members are reported to have converted theirs to rubles.
Instead of a public announcement, random employees received a notice in their pay envelopes. The notice purports to be written by Drumpf, and, judging by the spelling and grammar, experts think it was.
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross and Economic Council Chair Larry Kudlow were allowed to convert their currency to yen. Drumpf family members are reported to have converted theirs to rubles.
To the White House Staff:
In loo of real money, which we need to finance our PARADE and legal expenses against this WITCH HUNT, please accept the following runumberation for your services.
PS: No raise this year either. We have to pay the stupid city for damages our tanks due to the street IN THE SERVICE OF THE COUNTRY.

Trained monkeys work for peanuts. Why not Federal employees?
Trapped by reporters while trying to sneak away for his twice-daily Big Mac run, Drumpf launched an offensive on their queries. “How are we going to pay for necessary tax refunds to our financially squeezed millionaires and billionaires at a time when the economy is booming at a pace never before seen in the history of economic boons if we waste money on these frivolous freeloaders who have already drained the budget dry? Let me assure the American people that trained monkeys can work for peanuts. Why not our employees?”
”In loo of real money, which we need to finance our PARADE and legal expenses against this WITCH HUNT, please accept the following runumberation for your services. No raise this year either. We have to pay the stupid city for damages our tanks due to the street IN THE SERVICE OF THE COUNTRY.“
“Is that monkey remark aimed at the majority of Federal workers, who are minorities?” demanded CNN’s April Ryan.
“Monkeys do their jobs better,” Drumpf fired back. “Which is why I can’t get my ICE Agents to round up the 60 million illegals raping, robbing and murdering our citizens, and I can’t get my own Justice Department to investigate Hillary’s illegal e-mails which make the so-called Russian story look like Jack in the Beanstalk. Which it is. A witch story. Fairy tale. Fake news. We need the money for important projects we can’t fund otherwise. Like my parade. The nation needs that parade to show these renegade nations like Mexico and Canada they can’t fuck with America, which is great again for the first time since we defeated Viet Nam under our warrior leader Nixon who was also unjustly witch hunted. And look what happened to him,”
The Associated Press’ Zeke Miller asked, “How do you expect Federal employees to feed their children?”
“The nation needs that parade to show these renegade nations like Mexico and Canada they can’t fuck with America, which is great again for the first time since we defeated Viet Nam.”
Drumpf grabbed the mic and spoke directly into the FOX News camera. ”If you people were millionaires like me, you wouldn’t need a paycheck. So get off your asses, invest those peanuts, and get rich like me so you can get a huge tax refund.”
Financial experts say this might be difficult, since employees will have to find buyers who will pay in excess of $1.50 per ounce. This is unlikely because health regulations won’t allow vendors to purchase second hand peanuts touched by human hands.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.




