Feels Like the First Time
Excerpt from Infinity Sucks & Other Songs.
We forgot about the rest of the house. Everyone was content standing around in the kitchen. Then someone put a Prince tape in the boom box in the living room, and we all relocated out there and started dancing and jumping around to the music. It was timeless, and it was fun. It felt like it was never going to end.
Finally, I was exhausted. I had to sit down. My ankle started bothering me. Due to the alcohol and the music and getting lost in the moment, I’d forgotten how weak it still was. Then I twisted it a certain way and a sudden sharp pain hit me. I collapsed and decided to sit on the floor with my back against the wall and watch everyone else dance.
Eventually, Carrie came and sat down next to me. Normally that would’ve made me nervous, but I now possessed liquid courage, and I felt totally at ease and relaxed sitting next to her. We talked in hushed voices, giggling and smoking, and before I knew it, we were making out.
By then the room had cleared. The Cure was playing, Carrie’s favorite band. She would sing along in between our kisses. She looked more attractive to me now — thinner even — like someone I could love, I thought — but I was getting ahead of myself. She was at least someone I could imagine spending more time with. I was even starting to like The Cure.
Earlier, Craig had pulled me aside and told me that Carrie had a crush on me, and that I should go for her. No hard feelings, he said. He was planning on being with Tanya instead. Then he handed me a condom. I took it from him and laughed, quickly shoving it into my pocket like we were doing a drug deal.
The stars and planets were aligned. Melissa went home. Lane was passed out. Craig and Tanya had disappeared into the bedroom to do their thing, leaving Carrie and I alone with The Cure.
Things got more intense and, before I knew it, I was hard as a rock. Carrie had touched me down there while we were kissing and asked me if I wanted to go into the bedroom just as Craig and Tanya were coming out, which I took as a sign. It couldn’t have been timed more perfectly.
The room was dark. There was a small bed next to the wall. But that was Craig and Tanya’s bed now. Clothes, boxes, and various other items littered the floor, but mostly the room was empty. It was all ours. I looked around like an animal claiming its new territory.
“I’ll be right back,” whispered Carrie. She left and came back a couple minutes later with a pillow, blanket, and sheet, and quickly made a bed for us on the floor.
The same intensity that found us minutes ago in the living room was once again resumed in the bedroom, as if there’d never been an awkward gap of time between us, while certain necessary preparations were being made.
Carrie got completely naked. I took off everything except for my shirt and socks, leaving the important area exposed and ready for action, while clinging to the illusion that I was, in a way, still fully clothed, to avoid embarrassment.
We kissed like we were starving. My hand cupped one of her small-to-medium-sized breasts. I squeezed it a little, then stopped. I didn’t know what else to do with it. Then I touched her down below, my fingers carefully and gently searching until I found what I was looking for.
“Do you have something with you?” she asked.
For a split second, I didn’t know what she meant, because at this point, as you can probably imagine, I could barely think straight, thanks partly (or mostly) to all the alcohol I’d consumed throughout the night and, of course, the exhilarating and overwhelming reality of what was about to happen next. But then I remembered.
“Yeah,” I said, “hold on.”
I felt around for my pants in the dark, found them, and found the condom — my ticket to get me in through the magical gate. I opened the wrapper, felt the slippery rim with my thumb. I tried to put it on, but it wouldn’t unroll at first. I flipped it over and tried it again. That time, it worked. But I wasn’t as hard now as I was earlier. The moment had somehow come and gone without me realizing it.
I got on top of her and moved up and down against her willing, patient body — trying to imitate a sex scene from this one R-rated movie I’d watched recently — without being inside. Something wasn’t right. We both knew it, but neither of us said anything.
Then I felt her hand on me, guiding it where she wanted it to go. I tried to stay in there, but kept slipping out, as she continued to help with her hand. I was determined not to give up, and then, finally, it started feeling good, but not as good as everyone says it’s supposed to feel. I closed my eyes to concentrate. The room started spinning. My head felt heavy, and my stomach was starting to do weird things. And then we stopped. Neither of us came. I continued to lay on top of her. I farted. She slapped my back. I laughed and rolled off her. I didn’t bother to apologize. I was too drunk to care. Game over.
Carrie got up and went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. I wrapped myself in the sheet that we’d used and walked back out into the living room, smiling. Craig immediately started laughing the moment he saw me. Lane was still passed out on the floor in the corner of the room, missing the whole show.
I was trying to play it cool, even though I was standing there like a fool, wrapped in a sheet, as if I were participating in some bizarre, toga-party ritual.
I sat down next to Craig, and he handed me a smoke. He then pulled out a lighter and lit it for me.
“How was it?” he asked, chuckling.
“Good,” I said.
“Right on, dude,” he said, giving me a high-five. “And you’re welcome.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
A few minutes later, Craig’s laughter returned as he pointed his finger down at me, drawing my attention to the fact that my sheet was partially open, exposing my sad, limp dick that…still…had…the condom on it…
Shit.
I reached down and pulled on the slack. It made a snapping sound. I pretended like I was in sudden pain. The embarrassing reality of it all had finally sunk in. I grabbed myself as if I’d just gotten kicked in the balls. Craig’s laughter grew louder, causing Lane to slowly stir from his drunken slumber. Craig was never going to let me live this down.
