Feminism, Feminism (Which One You Be?)
Feminism is a movement. However a sexist might say to his equally sexist best mate, “Yeah, a bowel movement,” quickly high-fiving the best mate would add, “Nailed it,” thus illustrating the need for feminism.
Author, and arch Mansplainer, John Gray once said, “When confronted with a problem, a man wants to solve it while a woman often wants to talk about it first.”
Well the time for talk has long since gone. So, how do you solve a problem like patriarchy?
In an ideal world there would be one simple solution, but then I would say that, I’m a man innit. However in the real world there are multiple solutions offered to women to solve the world’s greatest ill. Just for clarification, I’m talking about Patriarchy.
Luckily for women a very wise person once said, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that everything is shit easy to understand when reduced to multiple choice with no wrong answers.”
There is a scene in the film The Brothers that perfectly illustrates this tried and tested theory. By the way, The Brothers is a 1947 film starring Patricia Roc as Mary Lawson a Scottish orphan brought up in a convent, who arrives on the weekly steamer to come and work as a servant for the warring Macrae brothers, played by John Laurie and Maxwell Reed. The film also features probably Scotland’s oldest recorded Rap Battle.
Back to….
The scenario: Mary is sweet on Fergus Macrae, however it is older brother Dugald Macrae who comes to see her in the dead of night.
The Question: What type of Feminist is Mary, and why did she reject Dugald’s romantic advances?
(A). A Liberal Feminist. This branch of feminism is literally everywhere. Under the stove, under the broom, under the mop, under the pile of sewing, under the washing machine, ok, under the rocks, by the stream, that the clothes get washed in. Mary runs the household. She’s invested in it. Go away with him? Mary ain’t giving up her house for no man.
(B). A Radical Feminist. As we saw from the Olympics this Skateboarding branch of feminism is very popular with girls and very young women (and coincidentally men in their mid 20s). The aim is to Wipeout sexism, Grind society’s institutions down and Pop some social change. Rad Fems don’t Skate around issues. Even though skateboards haven’t been invented yet (another one for her ‘to do’ list), it’s still a firm, “No,” from Mary.
(C ). A Marxist Feminist. Mary is young, fit, healthy and hard working. Women live longer than men, plus, compared to her, the two brothers are old hags. Mary is confident she’ll inherit the family business thus overthrowing her lttle bit of the capitalist system. Why sacrifice a positive future for a negative fling? Mind you, how Marxist Feminists get on with Groucho saying, “A man is only as old as the woman he feels,” is anyone’s guess.
(D). A Cultural Feminist. Unbeknownst to this geezer, Mary has been getting together with other servants and wifeys on the island to build a women’s culture. They’ll find an abandoned cottage, do it up, form a bit of a (Themyscira-esque) community and co-exist with the men. “We’ll see how long you last without your fish suppers on the table,” Mary thought to herself as she sent Dugald away. “Although I may be willing to cook your fish suppers if I get paid the Real Living Wage,” Mary quickly thoughtly added.
(E). An I-Feminist. Mary respects all sexual choices. Mary might be interested in Dugald’s offer, however Dugald gives off a bit of a, “I keep people in my cellar vibe.” I-Feminism should not be confused with MeMeMe Feminism, which involves someone cutting a hole in the glass ceiling (Personal Protective Equipment is highly recommended), climbing through it, and then sealing the hole behind them. We all know whom I mean.
(F). A Yo Yo Feminist. Rapper Yo Yo once said, “No matter what’s the weather, sisters gotta stick together.” The dude is married. Mary ain’t doing the dirty on no woman.
Epilogue
1st Person: What’s your favourite Scottish film?
Me: How Green Was My Valley.
1st Person: That’s Welsh.
Me: You’re getting confused. Irvine did Trainspotting.
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