Feminism. Working The Room.
Ow Do
Chaps, chapesses and chapees.
Running late, just out the door. I’ve been invited to another do. It’s been awhile since I got an invite, can’t think why….
[memory pops into head]
Me: [shivering]: Ooo, flashback.
Anyway, where’s that card?
….Here we go, “You are cordially invited, blah blah, feminism, blah blah, writing suggests you’re an ally. “Ally.” What a ridiculous Americanism.
1st Person: You’re still going though aren’t you.
Me: I like to rock the free buffet yo.
Now then, where did I put that bow tie?
[later]
Security: Fashionably late sir? Who tied your bow tie? Y’mam?
Me: Me mam’s dead.
Security: Oh, er, sorry.
Me: So k. You didn’t kill her. Ooo buffet!
[later]
Woman: ….I suppose you think, racism should be the priority?
Me: Why, because I’m Black?
Woman: Er, no….
Me: It’s a numbers game innit. Women are over half the population. I can’t imagine a nirvanan world….
Woman: Utopian.
Me: That as well. I can’t imagine a world where racism is defeated and the sister girl, over there, ain’t still suffering sexism from men in my community.
Woman: “Sister girl.” A bit patronising?
Me: Thus illustrating my point.
[later]
Man: ….Men say, “Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50,” but that’s only because men are good at it.
Woman: Exactly!
Me: So what’s the plan then mate? Tell that fact to as many men as possible and we’ll miraculously stop topping ourselves?
[later]
[awkward silence]
Man: ….So…. Russell Brand….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Woman: ….So men are like, “Don’t go out with rubbish men.” What?!? Women only know men are bad uns when they’ve been out with them. Women haven’t got a radar that alerts them about men who are gonna be crap boyfriends.
Me: Taylor Swift, “‘Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in, So shame on me now.”
Woman: You blaming women?
Me: No, but maybe Taylor is.
[later]
Woman: ….We need more women in positions of power.
Me: Yeah, because equality and shit will trickle down like wealth does with trickle down economics.
Woman: You obviously don’t take the issue seriously.
Me: I do. However, Dame Carolyn Fairbairn ran the Confederation of British Industry and was the CBI’s first female director-general. There have been historic allegations of a rape and sexual misconduct by senior figures during her tenure. Dame Cressida Dick was the head of the UK’s biggest police force and the Metropolitan police’s first female Police Commissioner. Serving police officers were convicted of murder, rapes and other offences during her time, and a recent report found institutional misogyny, racism and homophobia persists within the Met. Outside the UK we have Giorgia Meloni, a far-right politician who has been serving as the first female Prime Minister of Italy. That’s gonna turn out well for women innit?
Woman: There’s no need to mansplain.
[later]
[awkward silence]
Woman: ….So…. The Manosphere….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
1st Woman: ….Men don’t stick around. I’ve a good job, a nice house and a nice car. What’s not to like?
2nd Woman: You’re a strong independent woman.
3rd Woman: Yairs, you’re a queen.
1st Woman: I’ve got money, I like nice things, I buy nice things.
2nd Woman: You know what you want.
3rd Woman: You go girl.
1st Woman: But men don’t like that, they don’t stick around.
2nd Woman: Men!
3rd Woman: Men!
Me [thinking to self, “I wonder if this is how racism starts?”]: So. My mate, he’s had similar experiences to you. Women just don’t stick around.
1st Woman: Your mate needs to look in the mirror if he wants to know what the problem is.
2nd Woman: Yeah, sounds like he’s due some serious introspection.
3rd Woman: He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.
Me: Hold on, let me get this straight. So, if a woman is, ‘unlucky in love,’ it’s men’s fault. If a man is, ‘unlucky in love,’ it’s the man’s fault? Isn’t that a massive double standard?
3rd Woman: Now you sound like an Incel.
[later]
1st Woman: ….Why do men think it’s ok to ask us why we don’t want kids? It’s none of their business.
Me: To be fair, women ask as well. However, I’m reminded of a wise quote that goes, “When a man says he doesn’t want kids, often a conversation ends. When a woman says she doesn’t want kids, often a conversation begins.”
1st Woman: Who said that?
Me: Moi. I rock the wisdom like New Kingdom.
1st Woman: Eh?
Me: New Kingdom. American rap rock duo who….
2nd Woman: If you’ve gotta explain it….
[later]
Me: ….I don’t think….
Woman: A man who doesn’t think, that’s a first!
Me: Sarcasm is the highest…. lowest…. a many-splendored thing…. fuck it. I don’t think you should eat that cocktail sausage, her over there had it in her mouth.
Woman: Eee yew!
Me: Brexit. Hic.
[later]
Woman: ….We keep seeing this fucked up toxic masculine model where some bloke who can’t cope with life, goes off on a killing spree. We need to have a serious conversation about it.
Me: You know what I’d say if I could speak to one of these idiots before they went off on one? I’d say,
1. Seek help.
2. Get help.
3. Ask for help.
4. See 1–3.
5. If you still can’t cope, skip the bit where you kill people and go straight to suicide.
[silence]
Me: What? We’e all thinking it.
[later]
[awkward silence]
1st Woman: ….So with Israel Palestine historical context is always important….
Me: ….’Scuse me.
1st Woman: Where you going? Don’t you care about the Middle East crisis?
Me: Well yeah, but I thought it were all feministy chat here.
1st Woman: Feminist don’t only talk about feminism you know.
Me: Obviously, otherwise you’d go nuts or something.
2nd Woman: My main issue with those horrific actions by Hamas is that I thought there was a worldwide consensus growing, a consensus that violence against women and girls is unacceptable. Hamas had a choice when they crossed into southern Israel. It’s obvious Hamas made the wrong choice.
1st Woman: What do you think?
Me: What she said.
[later]
1st Woman: ….….There is an ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) epidemic in womens football. If there was an epidemic in the mens game there would’ve been something done about it ages ago.
Me: Not necessarily. Male rugby players are suing the sport’s governing bodies over brain damage sustained through playing the sport, that they claim leads to early onset dementia. They say the governing bodies failed to put in place reasonable measures to protect their health and safety.
2nd Woman [muttering]: Someone did their research, fucking nerd…..
1st Woman: Really? I’m interested. Tell me more.
Me: Can’t. I’ve only got enough to justify saying, “not necessarily.”
[later]
Me: ….Here’s a question for you. Can a woman who’s a feminist have botox and still be a feminist?
1st Woman: Yes.
2nd Woman: No.
3rd Woman: Maybe.
Me: Good. I’m glad that one’s been finally cleared up.
4th Woman: So men don’t get botox then?
Me: Don’t spoil it. Urp…. I think I’ve just been sick in me mouth.
[later]
Woman: ….Then men say, “Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50,” however that’s only because men are good at committing suicide.
Me: Not this again.
Woman: You don’t believe me?
Me: ’Cause I believe you. Finally, something us men are better than you women at. High five!
[silence]
Me: What? Too soon?
[later]
[awkward silence]
Me: ….How many feminists does it take to organise screwing in a light bulb?
Woman: This had better be good.
Me: Three. Three feminists. One feminist who believes women should get on and screw in lightbulbs, one feminist who believes screwing in lightbulbs should be shared equally between women and men, and one feminist who believes screwing in lightbulbs is the least us men can do to make up for centuries of oppression.
Man: Not a joke then?
Me: Tough crowd. When’s the bar shut?
[later]
[awkward silence]
Woman: ….So…. Andrew….
Me: ‘Scuse me.
[later]
Me [standing on table to the room]: ….Why can’t we just, get along?
Man: Who’s ‘we’?
Me: Men and women. I mean women and men. Anyway, I’m reminded of the words of a very wise man, that’s right, a man, who once said…. Actually, maybe he weren’t a ‘wise man’ as such, but just someone who just knew shit….
Man: Get on with it!
Me: Bullying and harrassment! So, I’m reminded of the words of a very wise man who once said, “Ebony. And ivory. Live. Together, in perfect harmony. Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord. Why. Don’t. We?”
Woman: Jesus Christ.
Me: Eh! No womansplaining! Thing is yeah, the thing is, I’d change the words to…. [wobbles on table].
Man: Tim-burr!
Me: Fuck off. So, I’d change the words to, Womanly. And Menly. Live… Together…. Ur… Hic. Sorry….sorry, what was the question?
Security: I think you’ve had too much. Maybe you should leave?
Me: Don’t be sexist. You can never have too much feminism [falls off table].
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Special thanks to my girlfriend Hen.
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