Festivus Season is Upon Us!
Will there be a Festivus miracle?
Do you find tinsel distracting? Well, I’ve got just the holiday for you — a Festivus for the rest of us!
In case you’ve been living under a rock, or you are part of Gen Z and weren’t around when scrunchies first had their heyday, Festivus began with Frank Costanza (played by Jerry Stiller) on the best tv series of all time, Seinfeld. Okay, I might be a bit biased, but there’s no question it’s top 3.
One Christmas, Frank was fighting with another man over a doll in a toy store, and…
“As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. Out of that, a new holiday was born — a Festivus for the rest of us!”
Spreading the Festivus cheer
Are you too cheap to buy everyone at work Christmas gifts? Well, as Festivus observer you can feel free to opt out. One Festivus option to keep the nay-sayers quiet is to do cards letting people know you’ve made donations in their name to a worthy charitable organization.
George Costanza opted for the Human Fund — Money for People. Sounds very sensible, right?
This year, my charity of choice will be the Guinea Pig Fund — Money for Guinea Pigs. For the upcoming year, the fund’s key undertaking will be a sanitary engineering project. Sure, poop removal is what’s actually happening, but it doesn’t sound as fancy, does it?
Workload management, Festivus style
Do you have a beef with something that’s going on at your workplace? Do they not want to give you the time off that you deserve as part of your religious (or not) freedom to observe the holidays of your choosing? Follow Kramer’s example and walk out — Festivus yes, work no!
This might get you fired, but you’ve got one heck of a human rights case.
Decorations — simplicity is key
Are you tired of all the pressure to decorate and have your home looking as festive as can be?
Of course you are! Instead, Festivus offers revolutionary simplicity.
Frank Costanza explains that Festivus decor consists of a simple aluminum pole, because “I find tinsel distracting.”
Chances are you’re slightly allergic to the tinsel anyway since it’s who knows how old and spends 90% of the year gathering dust in a closet. Do your respiratory system a favour and go tinsel-free!
The airing of grievances
“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!”
Festivus dinner is a time to tell the other people sitting at the table with you everything they did that pissed you off in the past year.
Holding things in isn’t good for you. Just ask Lloyd Braun — serenity now, insanity later. Festivus is a time to air out all the dirty laundry you’ve been keeping tucked away, and let it flap around in the breeze.
And really, who doesn’t sit through a family holiday dinner without thinking about how much these people drive you bonkers?
The feats of strength
In case you thought the airing of grievances was enough, you were wrong. It’s time to get ready to rumble!
Festivus doesn’t end until the chosen guest pins the host. Name-calling is encouraged. Try not to break anything, though, especially your host; that’s just bad form.
So really, what’s not to love! Invite this new holiday into your heart and home — and there just may be a Festivus miracle!
In case you want to hear it straight from the source, this Seinfeld clip will get you all caught up.