Finding Your Crazy
Before it finds you.
It’s not you. It’s me. I’m the one that’s crazy here.
After some deep soul searching, I’ve confirmed that you possess not a single ounce of crazy; No quirks, no foibles, no idiosyncrasies. Your mental health is a thing of pristine beauty, like freshly fallen snow unblemished by any trace of humanity. Through a long life of struggle and hardship not a single thing has managed penetrate your rock-hard psyche and leave a lasting scar. An impressive feat to say the least.
When entering any new relationship, I feel it’s important to seek out the crazy as soon as possible. We all have our own stash of crazy hidden in the nooks and crannies of our developing personalities. It’s hard to navigate this so-called life without taking a little collateral damage. We learn to adapt. We learn to cope. We learn to control. All to avoid the crushing anxiety that daily life feeds us. And by “we” I certainly don’t mean you. Clearly, you have none of that.
At worst this will save us a trip to the emergency room with a mason jar containing something to be reattached
For most of us though, the crazy is in there, just under the surface and it’s our job to find it as soon as possible. At best this will save us fruitless hours developing a doomed relationship… at worst this will save us a trip to the emergency room with a mason jar containing something to be reattached. This is not to say that all crazy is a deal breaker. Some can be downright endearing. You’ll know if it’s worth dealing with once you’ve flushed it out. The trick is uncovering a person’s brand of crazy so you can accurately gauge whether or not its compatible with yours. Hypothetically speaking. If you had any crazy. Which you don’t.
Some of us are even blessed with an assortment of crazy; like a box of chocolates… that has been picked over, leaving only the half-eaten remains of those gnarly cherry cream filled varieties that nobody likes. Little slimy bits of cherry flavored crazy. This can represent minor things like why you always put your pants on left leg first. Why you blink whenever you swear. Why you’re obsessed with watching Hoarders. Why you have an obsessive fascination with cats and owls. Why you have a fetish for latex. Why you refuse to eat green M&Ms. Why you pet people’s hair like an obedient puppy. There is a spectrum of quirks from mildly dysfunctional to full blown crazy-town. And before we start throwing stones we must first see where our own variety falls on that scale. I like the counters on my treadmill or gas pump to end on an even number. I’ll keep going in starts and stops hoping to reach that perfect digit, but my day won’t be ruined if I fail and instead land on a five (though things might get dicey if it lands on a three). I like to finish each meal with a perfect bite, a little something from each item on the plate, but if you eat my remaining fry before I can take that last bite of sandwich… well, I’ll just throw the rest of the sandwich away, so my day won’t be ruined. Where does that put me on the scale? From my perspective somewhere around the middle, between full blown crazy-town and… well, you.
At worst, a closet sociopath with a growing collection of mason jars.
And before I met you, I’d gotten past the idea of perfection. Dismissing any illusion of an ideal companion devoid of crazy. I wanted to embrace the fact that crazy was out there to be discovered; not a minefield of things to avoid, but an Easter Egg hunt searching for golden eggs. Not the smelly ones left out the sun for too long. If I can come to terms with my own brand of crazy, and hope that someone else will be equally accepting of my brand than I have to keep the same spirit of open-mindedness for others. Before I met you, I just figured everyone would have at least something. I couldn’t imagine someone who was completely free of those quirks and idiosyncrasies. What must that be like? At best, boring. At worst, a closet sociopath with a growing collection of mason jars.
But you seem delightful.
Granted it’s a little hard to see you with all the blinds drawn, but you have a voice that just cackles with warmth and sincerity. But for now, I’ve taken up too much of your time with my ramblings. Where has the day gone? Is it feeding time already? Your cats are starting to circle.
Let me just say again how nice it was to meet you in person… here, in your dimly lit apartment. You come across as the sturdy sort. Not the slightest bit crazy. We might have had a real chance here if it weren’t for my own crippling anxiety and other mental handicaps. (My, you do have quite a few locks on this door.) Anyway, that’s me in a nutshell, a full stop at crazy town. Nothing you should burdened yourself with. Nope. Just crazy, crazy, crazy. All. The. Way. Down. …and opened! I mean I’m like an open door. I mean an open book. An open book of crazy.
We probably shouldn’t hug… you know <cough cough> with Covid and all. And the crazy… either one might be contagious.
Anyway, it’s been great. Thanks for the caper and Saltines. They were delish.
Bye now.
