First They Gave Us the Vagina Candles, Now We Get to Eat Their Meat. I Can’t Be the Only One Wondering What Comes Next, Can I?
Late-stage capitalism (on schedule to morph into fascism in approximately a fortnight’s time) has given us would-be comedy types a hard time these last few years. The Paltrow vagina candle was always going to be a difficult one for satire. Not to mention good taste. But now — behold an even more difficult to stomach taste — Celebrity Meat.
No, not that type of celebrity meat. Although the internet can help you out there, if that’s what you’re looking for.
I’m talking about actual celebrity meat. As in, grown-from-tissue-samples-and-turned-into-salami celebrity meat. Don’t believe me? Check out http://bitelabs.org for more. Oh, and if you happen to be a celebrity, don’t forget to email them with your details and book yourself in for your “quick biopsy” so that your lab grown tissues can soon be combined with sharp Tellicherry peppercorns and caramelized onions (if you’re James Franco) or orange zest and ginger (if you’re Jennifer Lawrence). If you happen to have the head of Alfredo Garcia in your freezer, I’m sure they’ll be interested in that, too.
Now, I’m aware this could all be a gag. And I know how the internet works. If you want attention these days, in a world where too many people are saying too many things, and only about 0.5% of them are worth reading in the first place, you’ve got to get up pretty damned early in the morning. And, hey, it’s just a notion at the moment, isn’t it? It’s just an idea. Until the first c’leb books their appointment. Until that first salami is on sale in Gordon Ramsay’s gaff (actually, there’s a thought — he could add himself to his menu. The size of his ego, that’s surely got to appeal, hasn’t it?)
But, presuming for a moment that they’re not just yanking our collective chains, I’d like to put forward a few notions for the next few weeks and months. However long we have left now before the apocalypse. So, here we go:
Celebrity Milk. Available in plain and flavoured form, and in a variety of “thicknesses”, shall we say. Dairy and non-dairy available, although the non-dairy is very much not Vegan. And has a very short shelf-life. A diet-friendly version can be produced by being watered down with celebrity tears.
Celebrity Cheese. Not necessarily produced from Celebrity Milk. It all depends on whether they wear socks or not.
Celebrity Scents. The vagina candle is obviously proof-of-concept for this one, but why stop at the vagina? Want to rock up at work smelling of Tom Hanks’ armpits? Well, now you can. Fancy being the talk of the dance hall reeking of Dolph Lundgren’s ass-crack? If you’re prepared to pay us the danger money, then you absolutely can! And why stop at the living? Deodorize yourself with a spurt of John Holmes — keeps you fresh and inspires dirty jokes all day long from your colleagues!
Further products will of course be coming on stream in line with the desperation to monetize absolutely everything left on the planet before all the resources run out. But the planned celebrity diseases idea is, I’m afraid, probably a non-starter. Brandon Cronenberg got there first and I’m not sure the copyright battle is worth it.
