Five Reasons Why Bottlenose Dolphins are the Coolest Creatures Ever
Most people love bottlenose dolphins. And why not? They’re cute, playful, and have that permanent, smart-ass smile. But these mammals are much more than just a pretty face and fins. Here’s what makes them my favorite species.
1. They are incredibly smart.
If we had dolphins in Congress, instead of the 535 bozos we have there now, we might be colonizing Mars. Dolphins have very large brains, even bigger than those of humans. (Not surprised.) This allows them to process complex information, understand situations, and solve problems. They also use tools and are capable of teaching other dolphins. Perhaps even more impressive is their ability to show empathy and altruism, even mourning their dead. There are numerous accounts of dolphins not only helping each other, but humans, too. (Perhaps they pity us.) Since ancient times, dolphins are said to have assisted sailors and fishermen — and rescued people in danger. If only our elected officials were more like dolphins — and less like jackasses.
2. They are always horny.
Dolphins are one of the few animals that have sex just for fun, which means they’re doing it year-round, not just when it’s breeding time. Male dolphins, most of whom are bisexual, are always looking for some action. In fact, if a solitary male can’t find any dolphin company, he’ll rub himself on objects, vessels, and even humans. At one city in France, the mayor banned swimming because a lonely lovelorn dolphin dubbed Zafar was getting way too frisky with people. But it’s not just the guys who get randy. Female dolphins are quite promiscuous and will happily go belly-to-belly with a large number of males. Bottom-line: If you’re in the ocean and see a dolphin headed your way, don’t let that smile fool you. He might not be coming just to say hello.
3. They fight sharks.
Let’s face it. No one really likes sharks. Only lawyers and politicians would be considered more loathsome than those dumb, ugly fish. Dolphins hate sharks, too, and typically employ two ways of dealing with them. Their preferred method is to use sound pulses which drive the sharks away. With correct targeting, the sounds can cause pain and disable some of a shark’s senses. Using sound to defeat your enemy? Brilliant. It’s like when the US Army blasted rock music to force Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega out of hiding. The second method is less ingenious but more devastating. Sometimes dolphins use their rostrum (beak) to strike sharks in their gills — or soft underbelly. Just a few of these blows can damage the internal organs — and it’s sayounara, sharky!
4. They are Super Swimmers
Whether you’re chasing females, humping humans, or battling sharks, it helps to be quick, and dolphins are among the fastest creatures in the sea. Thanks to their streamlined shape, and their powerful tails or flukes, they can reach speeds of over 20 miles per hour. A dolphin could complete a 100-meter swim in under 14 seconds, whereas it would take the best human swimmer over 45 seconds. In other words, Flipper would kick Michael Phelps’ ass in a race any day.
5. They are Specialized Soldiers.
Nobody would call your average dolphin “an officer and a gentleman,” but they are invaluable members of our armed forces, and have been used by the US Navy since the 1960s. The military doesn’t like to talk about it, but dolphins have allegedly been used to detect mines, locate enemy swimmers, and even destroy submarines. Think of them as stealthy underwater commandos. It’s even been reported that dolphins have saved more lives than human rescuers. What’s their reward for such courageous action? A boatload of medals? A vacation in Maui? A weekend off? Nope. A few fish. The military can spend $10,000 on toilet seats, but these dedicated ocean heroes get diddly. If I were a dolphin, I’d tell the Navy to “stick it up your blowhole!” Well, you know what I mean.
