THERE ARE NOT ALWAYS PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA
Flounders Only: The New Dating Site For Bottom-Dwellers
Anyone should get more than zero matches here
What do marine biologists and analytic-driven matchmaking sites have in common? Until today, the answer was nothing. But now there’s a better way for the flatfish of humans to meet. Introducing Flounders Only, the only dating site designed by Pleuronectidae experts and adapted for use on bipedal hominids.
Were you born with one eye on each side of your head and somehow made it through the larval to juvenile stage, avoiding the metamorphosis of eye migration ending with both eyes on the same side of your head? Congratulations! You’re a ten on Flounders Only. But it’s also okay if your skull is asymmetrical. You’ll fit right in here.
Our mission is to scour the murky depths of the dating pool and match up only the most demersal-type Homo sapiens with each other.
As any experienced fisherman will tell you, flounders are known primarily for their great personalities, and every member of Flounders Only is guaranteed to have personality as their most attractive feature.
Each applicant is screened using our advanced, proprietary, real-time facial and body scanning technology to make sure no beautiful angelfish-types slip in, ensuring a completely level playing field for all of our singles.
Do you usually cover yourself with sand, waiting patiently to ambush your prey? Well, camouflage yourself no more. Your spawning mates will now be lining up to release their sperm or eggs at you.
You’ll witness photosynthesis for the first time as you bask in the sun.
Retire those chromatophores and show your true colors. Celebrate the dorsal fin of your heart that boldly extends to the caudal fin of your soul. Embrace your mild, sweet, and flaky essence.
Consume benthic invertebrates at your own pace in fine restaurants instead of jumping at anything that moves in the dark. You may never eat another mud minnow again unless it’s sautéed in butter as an appetizer.
Flounders Only is proud to be the only dating site endorsed by the American Society of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists (ASIH). And we all know how famously reluctant those fish and reptile biologists are to endorse dating sites.
As Prosanta Chakrabarty says, “I’m not only the American Society of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists president. I’m also a Flounders Only client.”
And coming soon! Hagfish Only: The dating site exclusively for the slimiest creatures on Earth (originally called Lawyers Only).
