Follow These Steps and Learn How I Earned $5.67 in Only 4 Months on Medium

Photo by Alejandro Escamilla on Unsplash

Writing is hard… for the weak.

Master these simple techniques and you can become a productive writer on par with the greats like Harper Lee. Using these timeless tips I’ve even been able to pay for one month of a Medium membership.

1. Clean the House. As soon as you sit down to write you’ll get the urge to do anything other than write. Don’t fight the urge. The best writers are those who go with their guts. Listen to yours. Step one is to clean the whole house, top to bottom. You need a clean and healthy environment to be creative right? Might as well do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, dust the shelves, rearrange the paintings, replace the batteries in every single smoke detector whether it needs it or not. While you’re at it, why not power wash the outside deck?
2. Think about Winning Awards for the Completed Project. You need to visualize it before you achieve it. Picture what it would be like to win a Pulitzer prize for what will most definitely be a work of supreme art, heralded as the definitive answer to persistent question, “What is the great American Novel?” Envision your speech on the podium, tears in your eyes, thanking your 3rd grade English teacher for making your read The Phantom Tollbooth. Once you’ve spent at least 2 hours thinking about how good the project will be and soaking in that imagined praise, you’re ready to begin to…
3. Browse Facebook, Reddit, or your Garbage Website of Choice. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And that came from a writer, so it’s especially pertinent here. By giving yourself a break before you even start, you’re stockpiling all of that creative mojo you’ll need to get through the writing process. I’ve been cultivating my break time for years now, hours and hours every single day, rain or shine. As soon as I’m ready to sit down and write that screenplay I’ve had in the back of my mind, I’m sure I’ll be able to just whip it out — probably in one sitting. That’s the magic of preloading your procrastination. I’m like a marathon runner carboloading for a race… that’ll start eventually, I promise.
4. Fall into a Pit of Self-Doubt and Dispair. Remind yourself constantly that you’re trash and no good at anything, especially writing. It does wonders to keep you humble. An added bonus if you’re good enough at self-doubting that it leads to depression. Some of the best writers and authors in the world have been crippling depressed. You’re in good company now.
5. “Good Artists Borrow, Great Artists Steal.” — me. I wrote that. If you’re having trouble coming up with an idea, just take someone else’s. Who’s gonna find out? It’s a foolproof plan that destined to always turn out in your favor. Always. Think anyone cared when Disney brazenly ripped off the Lion King from the Japanese movie Kimba the White Lion? Nope, they heaped on the accolades, just like they will for you when you plagiarize your first work.

By using only these 5 simple techniques, you’re guaranteed to become a world-class, esteemed scribe or your money back.*

*Guarantee not valid whenever I feel like it.