Forests Celebrate Zinke’s Departure
Christmas and New Year’s Eve arrive early for trees
Trees, bears, deer and park employees welcome the hangover from their celebration of Secretary of Interior Ryan Zinke’s resignation. The party started yesterday afternoon and is scheduled to last well into tomorrow morning.
The parks are closed to visitors today. Park employees said humans are too stupid to know when a drunken tree is about to topple over and they’re far more prone to attacking innocent trees since Drumpf took office.
Humans are too stupid to know when a drunken tree is about to topple over and they’re far more prone to attacking innocent trees since Drumpf took office.
The nation’s parks faced a fire sale to developers, miners and loggers under Zinke’s guidance. “Look at California,” complained a 200 foot sequoia. “We were burning for weeks, and what did he send? Commercial developers with rakes and deeds.”
Zinke blames his departure on vicious and unfounded allegations of abuse by trees and wildlife. Plants and creatures under his care say the allegations may have been vicious but they weren’t unfounded. “He planned to chop down every tree with knotholes and ship them to white nationalists in the Ozarks,” said a red cedar in Yellowstone who wishes to remain anonymous. “Who knows what kind of unspeakable sexual acts would have been performed on our siblings in bark?”
“He planned to clear cut and strip mine the entire state of Utah,” reported a Zion Park spring. “No one would have stopped to take pictures of our clear natural waters anymore. He might as well have dropped his pants and taken a big dump in front of the tourists.”
The party kicked off with paper party hats, party horns and thousands of gallons of maple syrup. Many of the trees felt a twinge of remorse for partying hard while wearing what remained of their friends, but that didn’t stop the fun. “It’s sad that I’m wearing my cousin’s roots ground up and pressed into a stupid human artifact,” a silvertip fir confided. “But it’s also a reminder of how much we have to celebrate with Zinke gone. Maybe his replacement will think twice before he sells the land we’ve occupied for millions of years to an oil company.”
“He planned to chop down every tree with knotholes and ship them to white nationalists in the Ozarks. Who knows what kind of unspeakable sexual acts would have been performed on our siblings in bark?”
When informed that Zinke’s replacement, David Bernhardt, is an oil industry lobbyist who has already offered to sell California’s national parks to the “first decent offer,” the fir removed his party hat and covered it with needles. He spread the word and the party shut down shortly after noon, leaving park crews to clean up the litter of their grief.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
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