The Haven
Published in

The Haven

Danielle Kraese

Mar 8, 2018

3 min read

Frequent Thoughts While Loitering at Starbucks

Is that blood? Or… blood?

This is going to be a great day! I’ll bombard my body with caffeine, and then I’ll get some serious writing done.

It’s taking a long time for them to make my drink.

Ugh, if I have to hear this barista call out for “Steven” one more time…


Steven’s cute.

Okay, where’s my small black iced coffee? It’s only the easiest drink to prepare.

And now Dayjel isn’t claiming her drink.

Dayjel? I bet they just butchered someone’s name.

DAYJEL GET YOUR DRINK! Does anybody here pay attention after they order?

That’s funny. Dayjel got a small black iced coffee, too.

Wait… am I Dayjel?

And, of course, I knock it over. This barista hates me.

Okay, let’s be realistic. She doesn’t hate me. She hates being a barista.

But she’s sure looking at me like she hates me.

Guess I’ll have to find a seat upstairs to avoid her homicidal glare.

Look at this guy right here, commandeering the comfy chair when he doesn’t even have so much as an empty coffee cup. What a jerk.

Hold up — is he leaving?!

False alarm. Jerk.

I wonder if this sweet old lady is using both of those chairs.

Whoa! I just asked if that seat was taken. No need to brandish your crossword puzzle pencil like a weapon.

I guess I’ll take that crappy wooden chair in the corner.

What is this red stuff on the table? Is that blood? Or… blood?

It’s pretty crowded here today!

Is that man talking to me or himself?

Should I answer him just in case? I don’t want to be rude.

Oh, wait. He’s talking to that empty chair. Crisis averted.

And this guy over here… is he straight-up drinking a can of Keystone?

I don’t think he got that here.

He did get the plastic straw here, though. That’s a classy touch.

Nice! Steven took the table right next to me. He really is cute.

I wonder if he likes dogs. What if he’s a cat person? Or one of those men who keeps parakeets? That would suck.

And now he’s looking at me creepily looking at him while wondering about his preferred house pet. Cool.

Okay. Time to be serious. Time to write!

I have to pee.

I don’t want to give up my crappy chair, though. It’s all I’ve got.

I’ll just arrange my pen and notebook so that it’s clear this seat is taken.

If someone steals my pen and notebook I’m going to roundhouse them in the mouth.

Someone’s in the bathroom! AHH! Why do I always wait until I’m three seconds from peeing my pants?

They’re coming out now, THANK GOD.

Weird. Why’d the guy leaving the bathroom just stare deep into my soul and apologize?

Oh my. Now I understand.

It looks like someone’s colon exploded in here. He should be sorry!

If he was really looking out for me, he would have just said “RUN!”

I can’t do this.

I have to do this.

Maybe if I hover.

No. Even hovering on a ladder would be too close.

Okay, there’s no other choice. I can’t hold it.

No toilet paper? No problem.

There are toilet seat covers. That’ll work.

Gross gross gross gross gross.

Why is someone pounding on the door?! I’M IN HERE! WAIT YOUR TURN!

Great. Now this person waiting will think it was my colon that exploded.

Don’t judge me, angry knocker — this isn’t my work!

Okay, I will simply suppress the memory of this.

Phew! Pen and notebook are still here.

Hmm, Steven just smiled at me. And waved! Things are looking up for Dayjel!

Nope. Not waving at me. Waving at the girl behind me.

Who is his sister?

Okay, I’ve never seen anyone cup their sister’s butt like that.

Whatever, Steven. I bet he keeps parakeets.

Though that man enjoying a Keystone most definitely is smiling at me. And licking his straw.

Yeah, I think it’s time to go now.

Maybe I’ll just write at home tomorrow.

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk