Funny News This Week
News Isn’t Always Sad, Eventually Henry Kissinger Will Die
Lots of funny stuff happened this week. Or rather, stuff happened, and I’m confident enough that there’s something funny about it. Here it is from the most trustworthy reporter available, someone who doesn’t vote or get paid.
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon talk ‘Air’ and working together in their 50s. Unfortunately, none of us will hear it because the guy recording was so bored he fell asleep on the stop button.
Michael Jordan’s Chicago-Area Mansion Burglarized. Fortunately, his Florida, Utah, and two North Carolina mansions are all ok.
“The Little Mermaid” remake updates original lyrics to include consent, songwriter says. Personally, I’m very excited to hear “ask before you kiss de girl” performed by Daveed Diggs on the radio for the next 5 years.
A California police union director is being charged with importing opioids, including fentanyl, disguised as chocolate and wedding favors. Dammit! What are my fiancée and I supposed to give to our guests now?
Toxic smoke is spewing from an inferno at an Indiana recycling plant known as a “fire hazard,” officials say. Uh, I’m no fireman, but I think if there’s “toxic smoke” and “an inferno”, it’s no longer a “fire hazard”, its a “fire”.
The “spite wall,” built by white racists in 1940s Baltimore, finally came down. City officials say their next project is to destroy any remaining “hate benches” and “malice bird feeders” from the 50s.
Many Americans are outraged after North Korea fires ballistic missile into sea. I don’t get it. Would you prefer they fire ballistic missiles into the United States?
U.S. airman is killed by MMA fighter in brawl outside Florida bar, officials say. I know U.S. is United States, but what country is MMA?
Anti-rat activist hired to control New York City’s pest population. In other news, an anti-death activist was hired to be a doctor and an anti-warm activist was hired to be an AC repairman.
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