The Haven
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The Haven

E.U. Minister Federica Mogherini and Acting State Secretary John J. Sullivan signal the G7's intentions at an April pre-meeting. (State Dept.)

G6 Members Convene in Canada

POTUS shows up claiming, “Never saw the memo.”

“Never saw the memo, my ass,” griped French President Emmanuel Macron. “He didn’t bother to read because it didn’t include pictures or use his name 700 times.” The memo in question was a notice the G7 planned to restructure as the G6 in time for Friday’s summit. A G6 without the United States as a member.

“We didn’t want to cut them loose but the man’s an uncouth imbecile,” Macron expounded. German Chancellor Angela Merkel commiserated, “If God gave the man a dollars worth of sense, he’d trade it for a Big Mac and chocolate shake then claim he turned a 7000 percent profit.”

“If God gave the man a dollars worth of sense, he’d trade it for a Big Mac and chocolate shake then claim he turned a 7000 percent profit.”

The Haven has since learned Merkel’s assessment was on target. Recently released high school records show the President, then a Senior, sold a naive freshman his “Super Swift Genius Smarts” for $500. Unfortunately for POTUS, he couldn’t deliver any smarts upon receipt of payment.

“We didn’t want to reduce the group,” admitted British Foreign Minister Boris Johnson, “and the UK could use another Anglo at the table, but if I went back with any policy initiatives marked with his fake wig hairs, even the Right Wingers would chase me to fucking Scotland.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin volunteered to return to the G7 and even cast an additional vote for the United States. “I know his mind like I know my own,” he wrote in an email to the G6 heads of state. “In fact, no one doubts but those morons who voted for him that his mind is my own, as in I own him lock, stock and golden showers.” When no one accepted Putin’s offer he flew to Syria to plan more gas attacks with Assad.

Putin: “I know (POTUS’s) mind like I know my own. In fact, no one doubts but those morons who voted for him that his mind is my own, as in I own him lock, stock and golden showers.”

In spite of the memo, and an earlier warning from Acting State Secretary John J. Sullivan during a Summit pre-meeting of foreign ministers, the President insisted on crashing the event. He arrived with two dozen FOX reporters and three camera crews. They couldn’t pass the RCMP brigade detached to guard the doors.

“Who would have thought the clown cops were so much better than ours?” POTUS complained to reporters. “They don’t even have guns. What kind of idiot cops don’t use guns? What if Mexican murderers and sons-of-bitches gang members attacked them? You know who I mean.”

“Who would have thought the clown cops were so much better than ours? They don’t even have guns. What kind of idiot cops don’t use guns?”

The President Tweeted forty-seven times during his return flight, railing against every foreign leader at the meeting. When Air Force One touched down, he received the news the U.S. was also kicked out of NATO.

“The first item on our agenda is free trade,” Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau told reporters. “We’ll move to cease trade with the United States altogether. The Chinese told me this morning they’re on board. Can you imagine Americans forced to use iPhones built by graduates from the worst educational system in the developed world?”

As of Thursday evening 194 of the world’s 195 countries messaged Trudeau to say they’re on board. Kim Jong Un reportedly replied, “Who likes sanctions now, dotard bitch?”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.