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Games for the Nasally Fixated

Wondering what to do in lockdown? We’ve got you covered.

Photo by Braydon Anderson at Unsplash

We at VeryGameyGames, where good ideas come to be dismantled, take gaming seriously.

Very seriously.

Our motto is: It’s all fun and games until somebody loses a nostril. Then it’s not necessary fun, but it is a game, and we have created a new range of games for your schnozzing amusement, viz:

Game #1: Does it pass the sniff test?

Objective: Be the last person standing.

What you need: Access to your grandmother’s pantry.

How to play: Open the door tothat pantry — that same pantry your grandmother has been stocking since the Second World War. Take out all the food. Players take turns opening each can, box, and bag and taking a sniff.

Whoever is still conscious after all of the food has been smelt wins.

Game #2: If it blows, it goes

Objective: To make the most of it.

Contents: Kleenex and a postal scale.

How to play: Don’t blow it. Or rather — do.

Game #3: You can pick your friends…

Objective: To challenge the common wisdom.

What you need: Is ready to hand.

How to play: Pick a partner.

Game #4: Name the nostrils of the entire cast of Lord of the Rings

Objective: To correctly name the most nostrils.

Contents: A book of still photos from all 3 Lord of the Rings movies and a black marker for labeling the nostrils in said photos. We’ve included a booklet with the correct answers. The estate of J.R.R. Tolkien wouldn’t tell us, so we plied Peter Jackson with nose candy until he gave us the names.

How to play: We’ll get you started with an easy one:

Stanley and Boardbender. (Boromir’s, obviously.)

Game #5: Nostrildamus

Objective: To predict the nasal future.

Contents: 50 multicolored rubber nose gremlins.

How to play: One person leaves the room and when they come back, the remaining players have to guess the color and nature of the gremlin the first player has inserted up their nose. We bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Or did you?

Game #6: Abraiding and abetting

Objective: Become the nostrillian answer to Vidal Sassoon.

Contents: Two pairs of tweezers, a jar of mustache wax and 37 miniature scrunchies.

How to play: Everybody splits up into two teams. Each team must style the nose hairs of their team members. How about a nasal bouffant? For an 80s look, perm those spiky little booger-stalactites. Or try “the Chewbacca” — braid Uncle Albert’s nose hairs to his ear hairs or even his eyebrows! Uncle Albert hasn’t been so popular since he bought his first Studebaker.

Game #7: The Third Nostril

Objective: To become a snauteur.

Contents: 400 sheets of blank letter-sized paper for writing the script.

How to play: Everybody splits up into two teams. Each team tries to shoot a remake of The Third Man, except instead of a third man…it’s a third nostril. Who was the mysterious third nostril seen carrying Harry Lime’s body? Enjoy filming the Ferris wheel scene featuring the third nostril! Learn how to write dialog to be spoken nasally. Learn how to light negative space. Explore what we really know about the Human Condition of the nasal passages.

Game #8: Grow old along with me…

Objective: Defy the Laws of Biology

What you need: Determination.

How to play: Each player, by sheer force of will, attempts to grow a new nose, somewhere on their body besides their face. This may take time, but you’ve got the time. You’re in lockdown after all. Is that a bridge you see forming below your navel? A nebby noob-noob protruding from behind your ear? What day is it? What week is it? What month is it? Is it spring again? Are those the darling nosebuds of May? Or are they isolation-induced hallucinations? The game ends when someone succeeds in growing a new nose, or when lockdown ends, whichever comes first.

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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.

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