Germany Fails to Win World Cup!
World (Unofficially) Celebrates, Exhales
That sound you may have heard on the first day of December was the collective exhale of the world as Germany’s World Cup hopes came to an early and unexpected end. At the conclusion of that day’s action, the German national team was officially eliminated, failing to escape the group play round in Qatar and finishing third behind Japan and Spain.
“Look, we all appreciate so much about Germany,” explained a noted historian who, citing safety, asked to not be identified. “Who doesn’t love the spectacle of Oktoberfest, flowing beer and flavorless meat dishes? But for whatever reason I think folks just instinctively get a bit uneasy at the idea of Germany feeling like it is ‘the best’ if you get my drift.”
The historian’s concerns were echoed across legislative bodies, religious institutions and art museums around the world. Various interviews for this story, all requesting anonymity, suggested a German World Cup victory might lead to an outsized sense of national pride.
“All I am saying is, I rest a little easier with Germany not feeling like it has superior athletes, equipment and tactics,” said one interested party from the shadows of a Washington, DC parking garage. “What is the saying? ‘I’ve seen that movie before?’”
A United Nations ambassador confirmed that an ad hoc committee of that body watched the final day of group play action together in a secure bunker, keeping constant tabs on potential German advancement scenarios.
“Officially, we called it a ‘watch party,’ but let’s be honest, there was probably more praying for Spain and Japan than actual watching. The delegates from Eastern Europe may well be sleeping that post-match celebration off until the next World Cup!”
“A great nation is now so pathetically weak, sound familiar?” said former president Donald Trump to anyone passing through Mar-a-Lago. “Worse than France and Argentina. This is all because of Awful Angela Merkel. A terrible leader and woman. This should be a wake-up call to Germany to get a new strong president or prime minister or whatever they use.” (Ed. Note: Merkel was last Chancellor of Germany in 2021).
Reached for comment, American rapper Ye expressed confusion and an inexplicable tinge of disappointment in the result.
