Get Ready for the Solar Eclipse/Nuclear Apocalypse, #Apoceclipse2017!

On Monday, millions of Americans will be traveling toward/away from something not seen in a lifetime. While the The Event is sure to be spectacular, it’s important to prepare ahead. Here are some tips to make it an Event to end all Events!

First off, you’ll want to position yourself in the zone of eclipse totality/away from the range of ICBMs launched by Pyongyang, so pick a location in advance. Avoid major cities, if possible. Instead, don those cute cowboy boots you bought in Aspen and head out to an open area, perhaps with a bluff that you can climb/hide behind. Designate a spot where you can meet up with loved ones also planning to view/flee. The eclipse/end-of-the-world is more fun when you’re with friends!

Don’t risk being stuck in a traffic jam as The Event occurs. Hit the road early! Keep your gas tank topped off and stockpile extra fuel. Have plenty of cash, as ATMs will get drained quickly. You may want to bring items you can use for bartering, such as guns, ammunition, baked goods, or children.

Local law enforcement might be overwhelmed. Although you don’t have to agree with his political outlook, now might be a good time to loop in Uncle Ray and “his boys.”

Stock up on water and food. And don’t forget to add a twist of fun by selecting cups, napkins, and accessories adorned with a solar/nuclear motif. Try mixing up a pitcher of Flame Outs, a special cocktail just for the occasion: equal parts Ruby Red Grapefruit juice, champagne, vodka, and arsenic. Complete the mood with our super-fun Spotify playlist, featuring songs about the sun, the moon, and world-wide nuclear annihilation.

If you arrive at your viewing/evacuation spot early, you may find yourself with significant downtime, so bring along some reading material (we recommend Cormac McCarthy’s The Road).

Dress appropriately. You’ll want an outfit that’s comfortable but also looks good in a back-lit selfie. Remember, the earth could get extremely cold/hot during the The Event, so wear layers. Check out the new lead-lined hoodie by Lululemon, durable enough to withstand any level of radiation, solar or otherwise. And don’t forget the glasses! Those fabulous new Oakleys will NOT protect your eyes as you stare, dumbfounded, at the flaming white orb. Be sure to purchase special glasses that are ISO/CE certified, even if you don’t know what that means.

The Event will be awe inspiring. Be open to the type of clarity that comes with it. And make sure your phone is fully charge so you can send that one last text to Brian saying, “You were the one. You were always the one. I’m sorry I said the goatee was a deal-breaker.” Also consider getting a wax before the big day. You never know what kind of romantic lunacy might occur.

Finally, take some time after The Event to contemplate the fleeting nature of our small lives. And visit our Etsy shop for a great selection of souvenir shirts and mugs: I Survived #Apoceclipse2017!