Getting Ready For The Olympics By Running From Bar To Bar
Living in a big city and trying to cross the street is an art form. Venturing out while the WALK sign is on is like deciding when to get on an escalator. Now? Maybe now? How about now?
When the electronic sign begins flashing a countdown clock, it turns into a time trial and will be the closest any of us will get to try out for the Olympics.
Doctors claim alcohol lowers your chances of getting heart disease. It used to be having two drinks a day was good, but now it’s two and a half drinks a day. If it keeps going up, soon it will be six drinks a day, and we won’t live long enough to get heart disease because we’ll die of alcoholism first. My solution is to continue putting vitamins in drinks that are already good for you like orange juice and milk but start adding vitamins to liquids that need the help. Jaegermeister, now with anti-oxidants. Alcohol raises your HDL, the good cholesterol, and so does aerobics so that Olympics dream might not be so far away if we just run from bar to bar.
Why do people have a couple of drinks before dinner, some wine with dinner, an after dinner drink and then coffee? That’s like having foreplay for two hours and then taking a cold shower. I don’t get drunk anymore, at least not like when I was in college or last week. I hated the part when you wake up with all your clothes on or with a guy you don’t know, or the absolute worst, waking up with a guy who has your clothes on.
How many drinks does it take you to pass out? Five? Six? And yet one little cap full of NyQuil and you’re out all night. Why are we spending thirteen bucks on a quart of vodka? For $6.25 you can get a bottle of NyQuil and be out all week.
A lot of states only sell 3.2 percent beer, which is very low in alcohol content. So, the good news is you can drink as much as you want and not get drunk. The bad news is you can drink as much as you want and not get drunk.
Women get ugly when they drink and will talk to anyone while men love to fight. Then both men and women will end the night with, “I really love you, man.” Here’s a hot tip: avoid the alcoholics at a party. You can always tell who they are because they’re sticking straws in the cheese made with wine.
I watched a drunk man crossing the street but he was weaving so I asked another pedestrian to help me get him back to safety.
“Why would I do that?”
“So he doesn’t get hit by a car. Don’t you see all these cars slamming on their brakes?”
“Yeah, cars usually stop for blind people.”
“Oh.”
