YOU CAN’T BEAT IT
Global Penis Change
Even scarier than Climate Change
An alarming process is underway which threatens the manhood of extreme right-wing men everywhere. That process is Global Penis Change.
The best way to understand GPC is by comparing it to Climate Change. Granted, they’re opposites in one way. Climate Change makes sea levels rise. Penis Change makes phalluses fall. But in other ways they’re similar. Climate Change makes oceans lose oxygen and become acidic. Penis Change does the same to men’s wieners. Climate Change causes droughts. GPC makes guys’ gherkins dry out. Climate Change makes bees and butterflies die off. Penis Change makes men’s cranks fall off. Which means in both cases, ain’t no pollinating going on.
Penis Change has popped up in North Korea, Iran, Hungary, Saudi Arabia, and Russia. The most cases by far are in the United States. Regardless of where it is, it only afflicts extreme right-wingers.
The reason has to do with hate. Not the mere irritation people feel towards tailgaters, telemarketers, and nimrods who don’t pick up what their dogs dump in homeowners’ yards. No, we’re talking about the full-bore, non-stop hate which right-wingers feel for people who don’t think, act, or look like them. Who want a say in how they’re governed. Equal access to opportunities. And fair treatment under the law.
In most people, such intense all-consuming hate releases toxins which cause migraines, high blood pressure, and strokes. With Penis Change, the toxins collect in right-wingers’ crotches. And over time, they make men’s nads dry up and their rods rot off.
The impact thus far has been frightening. Proud Boys no longer have much to be proud of (as if they ever did). Groypers barely have enough to grip. Three-Percenters have only that much. Oath Keepers keep even less. Oddly, QAnoners are ok with what’s happening. But that’s because Penis Change is the only conspiracy theory of their’s which has ever turned out to be real.
In an effort to deal with the crisis, Sean Hannity hosted a televised discussion of Penis Change by the nation’s top weenies: Ted Cruz, Mike Pence, Kevin McCarthy, and Lindsay Graham. Their conclusion: “This isn’t a hoax like Climate Change. Penis Change is a fact. Congress must act before it causes irreversible damage.”
The Republicans responded by creating a stimulus package for men’s packages. Called the Tighty-Whitey New Deal, it would provide guys with vouchers redeemable for new knickers. The idea was this. Radical right-wing men typically own only one set of skivvies. They never change them. Once a day, they just take them off, turn them inside-out, and put them back on. If provided with vouchers for new drawers, they’d buy and wear them. The fresh undies, it was believed, would stop Penis Change.
Democrats rejected the bill. Global Penis Change was obviously fake news. According to scientists, penis parts per million were going up, not down. Even if it existed, so what? Cases of Penis Change would gradually drop until one day, like a miracle, it would just disappear.
The Republicans didn’t expect Democrats to fund undie vouchers. They were knee-jerk Penis Change deniers. That, and Dems always went commando. Republicans tried to reason with them anyway. On a sunny afternoon, Republican senators and congressmen assembled on the Capitol steps, dropped their pants, and demanded that their Democrat colleagues look Penis Change in the eye. The Dems, disgusted, just kept on walking. But only after telling the Republicans to put their mouses back in their houses.
With Congress gridlocked, Governor DeSantis stepped up to stop Penis Change. He figured Florida was the obvious place, seeing as how, on a map, it looks like America’s wingwang. The governor’s solution was a statewide Boxer Mandate. He believed the “problem will go away if there’s more room in the dugout for men’s balls and bats.” Not to be outdone, Governor Abbott of Texas whipped out a plan of his own. He’d “secure men’s southern borders” by requiring guys to wear jock straps which were two sizes too small.
Neither plan worked. So Fox News put the problem to its in-house penis experts: Sarah Palin, Laura Ingraham, Anne Coulter, Lauren Boebert, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. They recommended the treatments which had proved effective in fighting Covid. Men should drink ivermectin bubble tea. Use hydroxychloroquine deodorant. Dip their wick in bleach. Stick a tiny spotlight in its eye. And wrap up with a Lysol® enema.
Tucker Carlson, Fox’s putz-in-chief, proposed an additional treatment: Testicle Tanning. Tucker unveiled it during an interview with Kid Rock, who was at the time dealing with end-stage Penis Change.¹ All the Kid had to do, said Tucker, was bronze his dong and clackers in tiny tanning booths. Start with a base tan, then go for a deep Coppertone. It would be worth the wrinkles and age spots. “Only take care,” cautioned Tucker. “Before starting, trim your short-and-curlies so they won’t snag on the booths’ doors. And don’t tan too long, lest you burn your salami and make your nuts look leathery.”
[1] The Daily Beast, published April 15, 2022, https://www.thedailybeast.com/tucker-carlson-and-kid-rock-talk-about-testicle-tanning?ref=home?ref=home
