GMC to Partner with Random Asshole Off the Street to Provide Snide Accounting of Fellow Motorists for it’s Newest On-Board Navigation System
Following sample narrative descriptions come standard on all 2020 models:
Honda Element
This national park pass-carrying soccer mom may seem nice on the surface, but she won’t hesitate for a moment to steal your parking spot at the Target or the Ross or the marajuana dispensary over by the Shell Station you keep asking for directions to.
Mercedes Sprinter Van (Emblazoned with Business Logo)
At eighty-seven feet tall, the driver of this tower of capitalistic bravado, filled with high-end German bicycle parts or some other product whose branding is more handsome than you are, is also more successful and fun, and has a bigger penis.
Ford F-150, Raised
If this driver comes up on your bumper doing twenty over the speed limit mouthing the words “Lock her up!” do not form two of your fingers into a “V” and hold them in front of your mouth darting your tongue in and out.
Mazda Miata
This car may be small, but it’s still roomy enough for the driver’s oversized straw hat and enlarged prostate.
Porsche Cayenne
And no, that’s not God you hear talking. That’s the steady din of contagion known as The Joe Rogan Experience drifting melodiously from this driver’s speakers as he commutes to his job as an investment banker where he doesn’t pay for high-end hookers with a steady supply of petty cash.
Just kidding, he does.
The Newly Re-Designed Honda Civic
The early twenty-something driver of this souped-up, life-size matchbox car — formerly known as a regular car — provides Honda with on-going semen samples in exchange for one day getting the pink slip. Sadly, he no longer finds pleasure in recreational masterbation, which very much affects his ability to parallel park.
Subaru Impreza with Very Large Spoiler
This motorist knows our flaming shitball of a planet is nearing its bitter, apocalyptic end. That’s why he hasn’t paid his cell phone bill in over two months and he turned down that date with Kelsey from the T-Mobile kiosk. Also, that very large spoiler on the back of his car is actually an inter-planetary portal. Kelsey thought it was sexy.
Toyota Prius
Not all Prius owners drive very slow, and not all of them voted for Hillary Clinton. Although, those who didn’t, also do not really own this car and are merely borrowing it from their Aunt Grace who sprained her ankle during a community event at the public library.
Volkswagon Jetta
An aptitude for making informed lane changes as this driver applies an upwards of ten coats of mascara while humming along to the Linkin Park catalog and blowing her boyfriend Lance, was rather insufficiently established prior to her doing all of these things in the lane to your right.
