The Haven
Published in

The Haven

Drumpf as he would appear in a traditional family photo (National Archives and Records Administration)

Go Ahead, Indict Drumpf.

He’s become America’s favorite senile curmudgeon.

In spite of the revelations of gross incompetence, negligence and criminal activity in the Oval Office, support among Drumpf’s supporters is stronger than ever. Pollsters have begun labelling American voters Blue, Red and Drumpf Red. Some neighborhoods in Drumpf Red districts hang American flags with Drumpf’s face replacing every star.

In an attempt to understand, The Haven interviewed Drumpf supporters in key voting districts and discovered that supporters see him as more than President. They see him as a member of the family, in particular the drunk curmudgeon grandfather who shits on family occasions.

“What would family dinner be without drunk grampa?” Sara Jean Shortskert, a thirty-year veteran of Taco Bell from Swampwash, Florida asked. “It would be like Christmas without Jesus.”

“That’s what America’d be like without our President,” added, Rick her live-in boyfriend of fifteen years. “Tell ’em about the time he unzipped his pants and pooped on the Thanskgiving turkey when cousin Jeffrey admitted he voted for Clinton.”

“We all knew he was a gay boy, but that was the last straw for grampa,” she added. “We’re gonna miss him when he goes. Glad that’ll never happen with the President. I’m electing him for the rest of my life.”

Other members of the Swampwash community shared similar views with Rick and Sara Jean. “He may spout off, but he’s for law and order just like my grandad,” shared Bob Krabapfel as he waited for his latest delivery of meth from Bob, the town’s largest dealer. “Grandad’s a drunk and a rascal, and you can count on him to ruin every family dinner by calling mom a whore and my brothers and me more useless than the sperm he wasted knocking her up, but he knows what’s what, and so does Drumpf.”

“Grandad’s a drunk and a rascal, and you can count on him to ruin every family dinner by calling mom a whore and my brothers and me more useless than the sperm he wasted knocking her up, but he knows what’s what, and so does Drumpf.”

In every Drumpf community we visited the story was the same. “What would Christmas dinner be without grandad telling Bill he can’t say the blessing worth shit and wishing he’d go back to Italy with his useless family,” said Mary Lou Gullble of Shellshock, Texas. “That’s how proud we feel every time our President Tweets.”

Her husband Bill adds, “Ever Christmas, I thank the Lord for our food, and her grandpa belches, cuts me out and says, ‘Good grub, good eats, Jesus F**ing Christ let’s eat.’ When I hear Drumpf cut to the chase like that I want to find a flag and salute.”

“Our grandpa drinks every bottle in our liquor cabinet before he goes off the rails like the President. Drumpf doesn’t even drink. If I could trade them I would.”

Joe Bob Blooster of Nascar Country, Tennessee said, “Our grandpa drinks every bottle in our liquor cabinet before he goes off the rails like the President. Drumpf doesn’t even drink. If I could trade them I would, but the last thing you’d want is grandpa running the country. He’d wreck it overnight.”

“You don’t feel that way about Drumpf?” The Haven reporter asked.

“Hell no. Unlike grandpa, he’s sober. You can’t go unhinged if you’re sober. They teach us that in church every Sunday. That and Drumpf is the real, honest-to-Jesus second coming of Christ. Sober drunk grandpa and Christ returned? How can you beat that combination.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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