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Gobbles The Turkey Forced To Apologize For Inflammatory Tweets

The problematic poultry shares his side of the story…

Image courtesy of Shutterstock

Gobbles, the lovable Turkey whom President Biden pardoned this morning has apologized for the harmful and disparaging comments made over Twitter nearly a decade ago. The move comes mere hours after a collection of Twitter dispatches were dug up and largely condemned by prominent figures across the avian community.

The comments, many of them too foul to repeat here, touched on sensitive topics such as the Israel-Palestine conflict, gay marriage, anti-vaccination conspiracy theories, and more.

Gobbles remarked the following in a statement made to the press today:

I want to apologize to the many communities I’ve hurt with my harmful and triggering language. I’m sorry that I said Bill Nye wasn’t a real science guy. I’m sorry I commented “Fashion goals” on a photo of the 9/11 hijackers. And I’m deeply sorry I tweeted “Damn, who is this bad bitch?” under a picture of Eva Braun in blackface.

Image courtesy of NYMag.com

Donald Duck, Chicken Boo, and Foghorn Leghorn were among those who spoke out against Gobbles’ comments, which internet sleuths uncovered shortly after his appearance at the White House this morning.

The resurfacing of these obscure jokes made over the internet between the years of 2009 and 2013 left Gobbles a sitting duck for his retroactive social media cancellation, at first prompting a hostile response criticizing those who wished to hold him accountable. In an initial statement also made over Twitter, Gobbles had this to say:

The internet mob moves so fast that you can’t even dare to make a divisive joke anymore. Those comments were made in my fledgling and not reflective of the bird I’ve grown to become, but SJW clucks want to refuse people the opportunity to change. President Biden saw more in me today than my troublesome past and agreed to give me another chance. At a time where people were coming for my neck, he saw past the controversy and saw a Turkey who has persevered through very hard circumstances.

It didn’t take long for the problematic passerine to change his tune, however, as both President Biden and Old Maple Farm spokesperson Farmer Jim decisively condemned Gobbles in a joint statement. “The offensive attitudes and statements discovered on Gobbles’ Twitter feed are indefensible and inconsistent with both the values of our farm as well as the White House. We have severed our business relationship with him.”

Farmer Jim says that among the tweets which forced Old Maple Farms’ hand were the following:

Tweets courtesy of Twitter.com

After finally apologizing today Gobbles added “I appreciate the many people who reached out with kind words and privately offered wisdom and education. That was much needed and well received.”

This opens a new bag of feed for farm dwellers and may have other animals trying to eradicate old comments from the binary annals of history. After all, what president would pardon a turkey with a murky past on such a family friendly holiday? It seems likely that the White House will employ interns to dig into the social media history of future candidates to ensure this kind of faux pas doesn’t happen again.

UPDATE: President Biden has agreed to undo his pardon as per the “Takesy-backsies” clause of 1812. Gobbles has officially been un-pardoned and will be served to the White house staffers tomorrow as leftovers.

UPDATE: Some ass-clown tried to deep fry the turkey and now the White house kitchen has been burnt to a smoldering crisp. More on this story as it unfolds.

Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash

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TeeJay Small

TeeJay Small

Retired baby, alive from natural causes, secretly 3 comedic influences in a trench coat