God Reveals that Cubicle Work is the True Meaning of Life
Dear Loyal Subjects,
I’d like to start with a hearty congratulations! You’ve figured it out! It only took you homo sapiens about 200,000 years, but you’ve finally settled into cubicle work just as I had intended all along.
Cubicles! The true meaning of life! Isn’t it wonderful?
I know this wasn’t an easy journey for all of you, and I certainly didn’t make it easy on you. I threw a few curve balls in there to really test you: Moses raving about some half-baked commandments, Jesus going on about loving your neighbor, and slices of toast that would occasionally burn with an image of the Virgin Mary. All distractions!
Cubicles are the real deal though. They’re the vision I had in mind when I set the whole shebang in motion 14 billion years ago. Are you enjoying them as much as I thought you would?!
I’ll admit that you had me second guessing whether you’d ever get to this point. Can you imagine how daunting it was for me, watching you guys hunt and gather for 190,000 years?! Every night you’d sit around a bonfire and watch the stars like a bunch of cats tracking a laser pointer. C’mon guys! The good stuff is under fluorescent lighting, in a flimsy, 8x8’ working space!
I could tell you were on to something, though, about 10,000 years ago when you discovered agriculture. Ok, I thought, these dummies are finally starting to get it: Why spend all day exploring the great outdoors — fishing and hunting — when you could toil away on the same little patch of earth from sun-up to sun-down? At this point I could tell you were finally developing a healthy (and directionally correct) sense of workaholism.
Then, boom!, farms led to commerce, and commerce led to craftsmanship. Finally you had discovered that you could sit indoors all day making crap to sell. Within no time you went from hammering out swords and armor, to pounding out worthless reports on a typewriter.
Can you imagine how thrilled I was on that fateful day in the 1960s when Robert Probst invented these tiny, boxed miracles to fence everyone in? And, my god, what a happy surprise when you all decided to dress the same — wearing little ties and slacks when sitting in your cubicles. Many of you even hang little motivational posters in them! Love it!
Why cubicles? I don’t know. I just kind of threw it out there, ya know? Seems like my omnificent intuition is as sharp as ever though, because I can tell you all are loving them. Almost as much as you love the crocodile shoes I invented for you (which you may know as “Crocs”).
Some of you have expressed less enthusiasm for cubicles than others, but rest assured that they are the pinnacle of human existence as I intended it — God’s will on earth! “Hang In There!” as my favorite cubicle poster encourages.
To the majority of you who are thrilled to have a cubicle, you should know that the fun don’t stop once you drop (dead). I’m sitting here in my own cubicle as I write this, and I’m overlooking an endless sea of cubicles. I can see Napoleon barking orders into a headset from his, and — oops! — looks like Shakespeare’s computer just froze again. I call it “just another day in the office,” but you might call it “heaven.”
Sincerely, the Big Boss in the Sky,
God
