Good Breeding

My dog Crazy Bitch was once a feral animal, and she will always be defiant and difficult to train. However, my previous dog was a pure bred Labrador Retriever, and this animal was so friendly that he would wag his tail and wet the carpet whenever company came over. Also, he was so submissive, that he would pee whenever being scolded.

When I compare Crazy Bitch to Love Sponge, I have to wonder about the relation of breeding to bladder control. According to Radio Lab, a Russian Scientist once bred wild foxes to see how tame a fox could be, and after several generations, he produced foxes so happy, that like Love Sponge, they would pee for joy at the mere sight of a human being. Of course frequent urination wasn’t a trait that the Russian scientist wanted, it was just a strange mannerism that came along for the ride, and who knows why? And lately, I’ve noticed this same phenomena spreading across the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

The wealthy residents of this neighborhood are extremely well bred and friendly to a flaw. Yesterday, I observed two ladies as they greeted each other on Columbus Avenue. Obviously, they were old friends, and they were so surprised to see each other that they jumped for joy and hugged with great enthusiasm, and then — as if they couldn’t help themselves — they hiked up their skirts, pulled down their panties, and peed right there on the sidewalk. I’ve never seen anything like it! These scions now looked like nomads doing their business in the desert, and their facial expressions were a mix of felicity and embarrassment.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said one lady.

“Nor do I,” said the other.

They quickly stood up to fix their clothing, but before long, a third friend came along. Maybe these ladies had once belonged to same sorority, or maybe they had raised their children together. Whatever the reason, they were now shaking with sheer happiness, and in the next moment, they were all peeing again on the sidewalk, and peeing with such force, that those passing by had to sidestep to avoid the splatter.

“I’m just so happy,” one lady said.

“I know, so happy!”

A policeman soon arrived, and he was definitely not happy. He gave them a ticket for public urination. He frowned and raised his voice, and these ladies were so abashed that they lowered their heads, and once more peed on the sidewalk. The policeman took this for an act of defiance. He was so aghast that he could hardly speak, and fortunately, he didn’t have any tickets left in his ticket book, else they may have been there all day.