Google’s Out to Get Me

Fake search engine serves up fake news to fake out voters

First it’s “Fake News,” then it’s “witch hunt.” The only conspiracy that isn’t out to make Drumpf look bad is the QizzagateAnon. Drumpf tried hard to sell America on that one but the only people who believe that sweeten their breakfast coffee with Thorazine.

Now it’s the Google conspiracy. Drumpf charged that Google rigs their search engine to deliver only results that make him look bad.

Nothing to do with the news that Russia manipulated Facebook

“These allegations have nothing to do with the allegations that Russia used Facebook and Twitter to influence the election,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “The timing is purely coincidental. They have to do with the scientifically proven fact that when you type the President’s name into Google, only bad stories are returned. Lies and bad stories.”

When asked to provide the basis for this allegation, Sanders displayed a photo of Drumpf in a chicken suit bearing a sign that reads, “F*ck Peta.”

“Time and time again, when White House staffers search for reporting that reflects the President’s accomplishments, such as a massive tax cut for the wealthiest Americans which will trickle down to dinner and a movie on your tax returns, Google fakes the results. This photograph the first item that Google returns. Google clearly pinned this image to mock our inspired leader.”

“Time and time again, when White House staffers search for reporting that reflects the President’s accomplishments, such as a massive tax cut for the wealthiest Americans which will trickle down to dinner and a movie on your tax returns, Google fakes the results.”

The Haven confirmed that Google does list positive articles about the most ignorant President in the history of Presidents.

Maggie Haberman of the New York Times interrupted, “Are you sure this was Google’s doing?”

“Absolutely,” Sanders assured her. “One hundred percent positive.”

“Then why is Drumpf’s face clearly Photoshopped and the image copyrighted by the White House staff? Which they aren’t allowed to do by the way.”

Sanders snapped her ever present string of pearls, the third time this month the janitorial staff has been forced to stay late to recover them. “We won’t let China steal our intellectual property. Why should we let Google?”

Journalists can’t reproduce Drumpf’s Google results

“Maybe Google returns more negative articles because no one but FOX News is willing to ruin their journalistic integrity by making him look good,” suggested the Wall Street Journal’s Michael Bender.

“I resent that,” piped in the reporter from Sinclair News who still hadn’t figured out how to open his spiral bound notepad or uncap his BIC ball point pen.

The Daily Mail’s Francesca Chambers leaped in. “I just googled ‘Donald Drumpf successful policies’ These were the top hits: ‘Giving Drumpf’s accomplishments their due,’ ‘President Drumpf is a success, let me count the ways,’ ‘Donald Drumpf’s successes have been underreported,’ ‘President Drumpf is a success, let me count the ways,’ ’FACT CHECK: Everything Donald Drumpf Has Accomplished in Just One Year,’ ‘Drumpf’s top 10 accomplishments of 2017,’ ‘Media blackout: Drumpf’s 60-point accomplishment list.’ I’m looking at thirty more. None of them negative.”

“Count on FAKE SEARCH ENGINE Googel to make me look bad by listing good news about me. SO FAKE NEWS.”

“That’s just how you fake news people work,” Sanders charged bitterly. “We prove facts and you collude to make us look bad. I’m not taking your shit anymore.” She stormed from the room and instructed an aide to find someone to comb the floor on hands and knees until every pearl was recovered.

An hour later Drumpf Tweeted: “Count on FAKE SEARCH ENGINE Googel to make me look bad by listing good news about me. SO FAKE NEWS.” Twenty minutes later staff aide Janet Moppopp corrected the Tweet by saying the listings were fake news, not the accomplishments.

Twenty minutes later she corrected that by saying the listings weren’t fake news, but the fact that Google listed them was.

“Yes, Google did provide accurate listings of good news about the President, but they only did it to make him look bad.”

Twenty minutes later, she corrected the Tweet to say, “Yes, Google did provide accurate listings of good news about the President, but they only did it to make him look bad.”

Twenty minutes later she announced her resignation, saying, “Fuck this. I’d be better off manning a Scientology phone bank and luring suckers in with fake free cigarettes.”