The Haven
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The Haven

Senate Judiciary Chair releases a wanted poster to help located a reluctant Christine Blasey Ford.

GOP Embraces Ford’s Testimony

It’s BS, but she deserves to be heard on our terms

Drumpf and the GOP have accommodated Brett Kavanaugh’s accuser, Christine Blasey Ford in every way imaginable. Except to take her seriously. “Why should we take her at her word?” Drumpf asked reporters. “It’s not like getting drunk and making an innocent pass at a woman doesn’t happen every day. Take my word for it. Not that I would know personally, but it’s innocent. Nobody’s fault.”

Drumpf met with reporters in the Rose Garden, in the same spot where Judge Kavanaugh was inducted into the MeTooed Society earlier this week. He laid his hand on Kavanaugh’s shoulder, and told reporters, “Women deserve to be heard. They have a lot going on in those tiny little minds. And that’s why Justice Kavanaugh here will be so great at his job. He knows what it’s like to be falsely accused, just like I’ve been falsely accused, and he will respect the process and side with me on any issues that come before the court.”

“Women deserve to be heard. They have a lot going on in those tiny little minds. And that’s why Justice Kavanaugh here will be so great at his job. He knows what it’s like to be falsely accused, just like I’ve been falsely accused.”

Kavanaugh nodded in acknowledgment of Drumpf’s praise. He was accompanied by the dozens of lawyers and K Street lobbyists who have worked non-stop since this weekend to discredit Ford, find her personal details and release them to the public so that she’ll be too distracted to testify. Activities that Drumpf dismissed as “harmless pranks, like drunken rape for instance.”

Th ape in Ford’s wanted poster represents “Speak no evil.”

Drumpf babbled on without waiting for a question. “Do you know how many women blamed me for tiny little incidents that never happened, and were just displays of affection anyway, not like I had unprotected sex with those women, I had a bodyguard with me every time, so, yes, we should treat them with respect and dignity and let the little ladies have their say, give them a kind, not sexual, pat on the ass and send them on their way. But I respect her. I do. We all do, and she deserves every courtesy besides taking her seriously.”

Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley spoke to reporters soon after, making it clear that he intended to treat Ford as courteously as possible as long as she testified on his terms. “We know her story’s total BS, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t willing to accommodate her and create the appearance we’re bending over backwards to make her feel comfortable with the humiliating interrogation we have prepared. We’ve even ordered the Federal Marshalls to bring her in, but in a kind way, that we can fool women into believing that we’re being sensitive to this sexual harassment crap that we’ve seen too much of.”

To date Grassley has offered Ford the choice of testifying in public, under the glare of camera flashes and video lighting, while the GOP men on the committee accuse her of being a whore and a liar, testifying behind closed doors on videotape which will be leaked to FOX News immediately while the GOP men on the committee accuse her of being a whore and a liar, or speaking privately at her home on video, which can be edited later to completely exonerate Kavanaugh and make her look like a whore and a liar.

“We know her story’s total BS, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t willing to accommodate her and create the appearance we’re bending over backwards to make her feel comfortable with the humiliating interrogation we have prepared.”

Ford has said she will only testify after the FBI investigated the situation. Experts agree that an investigation would lend credibility to her story or Kavanaugh’s denial and could be conducted without reasonable delays. Grassley, Drumpf and every other member of the Republican Senate (including Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski)[1] agree the request is outrageous, an unnecessary delay and “just like a woman.”

This afternoon Grassley lended assistance to the Marshall’s efforts to track down and retrieve Ford by issuing a wanted poster asking people to Tweet her whereabouts so “good Americans can let her know how they feel about her baseless allegations.” The poster features the image of an ape covering Ford’s mouth. “The ape represents ‘speak no evil,’ a reminder that she shouldn’t lie about her high school sexual fantasies,” he explained.

When asked if he would open an FBI investigation, Drumpf replied, “Considering the witch hunt the crooked FBI conducted against me, there’s no way I’d let them drumpf up baseless allegations against the Justice who has already proved to be the most outstanding Justice in the history of Law.”

[1]: Murkowski and Collins are considered swing votes even though they’ve already made it clear they won’t swing. They intend to follow their male peers lock-step into repealing every decision made by the Warren Court and its successors.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.