GOP Leaders Roll Over
Alpha dog barks and Congressmen whimper
Congressional leaders stormed into a meeting with the President yesterday determined to call him out for ill-considered staff behavior and a questionable economic deal with the Chinese President. An hour later they emerged with their tails between their legs and whimpering like puppies reprimanded for peeing on the carpet.
When asked by reporters if they confronted POTUS with their concerns they answered to a whelp, “It never came up.”
“They thought they were pit bulls off the leash until the alpha dog entered the room,” one White House aide confided anonymously. “Then they went belly up and begged to be petted.”
“We always knew our President neutered Congressional Republicans,” joked Kelly Sadler, unleashed to say whatever she pleased after news broke of the GOP’s total capitualtion. “Today they exposed their shriveled empty little sacks. All we need to do now is euthanize the curs on the Democratic side of the isle and his castration of Americans will be complete.”
“We always knew our President neutered Congressional Republicans,” joked Kelly Sadler, unleashed to say whatever she pleased after news broke of the GOP’s total capitualtion. “Today they exposed their shriveled empty little sacks.”
According to a Congressional aide, Republicans sat around the table before the meeting bragging about what they would say to the President. He walked in the room and refused to acknowledge them. “He spoke for forty five minutes on how he would save their punk asses in the mid-terms. When he finished, he looked at his watch, said, ‘I’ve got five minutes. Any questions?’ Every Congressman melted in their seats and quivered under the table, praying he wouldn’t notice and Tweet-bully them.”
B.G. Kizzazz, John Kelly’s assistant deputy, related a conversation from a follow-up meeting between POTUS and the Chief of Staff. According to Kizzazz, POTUS told Kelly, “‘I’ve got the GOP trained. You start with your foot on their throats, and later, when they learn to beg the right way, you throw them a scrap to fight over. It took all of 2017 to train them, and I finally threw the tax bill their way.’”
“‘I’ve got the GOP trained. You start with your foot on their throats, and later, when they learn to beg the right way, you throw them a scrap to fight over.”
At the end of the workday, the President passed leashes to every member of the White House staff and ran them through clicker training routines in the Rose Garden. When Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders successfully led the staff in a complicated hoop maneuver, he tossed a jar of Pup Corn Cheese Flavored Healthy Treats[1] into the pack.
[1]: Made of 99 percent Corn Flour, Natural Chicken Flavor, Powdered Cellulose, Water (for Processing), Canola Oil, Dried Cheese Product, Mono and Di-Glycerides, and Yellow #6, nutritionists consider this among the three worst treats to feed a dog,
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
