The Haven
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The Haven

Drumpf tells supporters “Women are for this”(plans to shove through Kavanaugh’s nomination). Women stand in support behind him. (Gage Skidmore)

GOP Pulls Rug on Ford Again

Drumpf claims, “Women want us to stop her.”

After extending the deadline for Christine Blasey Ford to accept their invitation to testify, the Senate Judiciary rescinded it as soon as she agreed. “We never thought she’d call our bluff,” Chairman Chuck Grassley told reporters. “We thought her lawyer got the message when we scheduled the final vote for Monday six hours before the deadline.”

His announcement followed news of a second witness alleging sexual misconduct by Kavanaugh. “If we don’t nip this in a bud, who knows how many women will pop up to drag out a process whose result was determined the minute Drumpf asked the Federalist Society who to nominate?” he said. “If we learned one lesson from Merrick Garland, we can’t drag out the confirmation process.”

When asked if the Senate shouldn’t consider the new allegations, Grassley replied, “This conduct establishes a pattern of behavior. Once a woman accuses a good man of rape, others show up to the party. We can’t allow women to bully and demean men in power with these senseless sex allegations. I’m sure there are many women in my past who could misinterpret or exaggerate things I’ve done. Thank God they’ve kept their mouths shut.”

Zero tolerance with kindness and sensitivity

“Go**amn these woman,” said committee member Orin Hatch. “They don’t know to go away. It’s like we say all the words we need to say to look like we give a shit about women, and then they believe us. You’d think they’d’ve learned after all these years.”

“Thank God, they haven’t,” chimed in Lindsay Graham. “If they weren’t so gullible we would’ve been kicked out of school and lost our jobs for all the times we took advantage.”

“Not while guys like us make the laws,” Grassley settled the issue. “We call our new approach to this MeToo nonsense ‘zero tolerance with kindness and sensitivity.’”

“Hear, hear,” the other two agreed. Then they roofied the coffees of the female Republican Senators.

“We call our new approach to this MeToo nonsense ‘zero tolerance with kindness and sensitivity.’”

Even though Majority Leader Mitch McConnell promised to “plow ahead” with the nomination, the committee scheduled the final vote for Kavanaugh before Ford replied to their invitation, Drumpf declared that his only job was to fight for Kavanaugh’s confirmation, and the terms of her appearance were to “be flagellated by every GOP Senator on the committee so badly that none of you women ever interfere with a sure-fire confirmation again,” Blasey Ford reluctantly agreed to testify.

Grassley’s office waited until the news cycle announced she accepted their offer, and then sent word the deal was off. He asked committee aide Garrett Ventry to deliver the message to her as his last official act. Ventry, who resigned after accusations of sexual harassment surfaced against him, was honored to do so. “I can’t think of anything more appropriate than delivering the message ‘it’s over,’ to another woman interfering with justice.”

Drumpf weighs in and breaks the scale beyond repair

Drumpf reversed his stance on Blasey Ford by demolishing the sympathy and understanding element of Grassley’s plan. “We need to fight for our guy, not some woman too drunk to defend herself seventy years ago,” he said to supporters in Missouri. “And he didn’t even touch her after he roughed her around. That’s a classy guy, whoever he was.”

“We need to fight for our guy, not some woman too drunk to defend herself seventy years ago. And he didn’t even touch her after he roughed her around. That’s a classy guy, whoever he was.”

He declared, “Women want us to approve Justice Kavanaugh. Every woman I meet says, after she asks me to sleep with her, which I won’t because I’m faithful to Melania, completely faithful, but after she begs me to sleep with her she says, ‘Please confirm Justice Kavanaugh. I’m tired of women politicizing the innocent behavior of our God-given leaders.”

He followed with a Tweet claiming, “Blah blah Blasey Ford’s parents SHOULD BE ASSHAMED for letting their daughter lie about RIGHTOUS JUSTISE KAVANAU. As soon as she told them, they should have REPORTED HER TO THE POLICE for slander.”

In response to Drumpf’s claims that women want Kavanaugh confirmed, GOP women have started the #Women4Kavanaugh thread on Twitter. So far 20 women have replied or reTweeted.

In response to Drumpf’s claims that women want Kavanaugh confirmed, GOP women have started the #Women4Kavanaugh thread on Twitter. So far 20 women have replied or reTweeted.

Kavanaugh couldn’t be reached for comment. A representative informed The Haven that he was spending the weekend with former high school classmates who didn’t “want their perfectly normal, ‘boys will be boys’ behavior to fall under unfair scrutiny.” The representative did confirm that Kavanaugh is writing an article about “overworked, under appreciated and overly scrutinized Priests who are unfairly criticized for ‘letting their hair down’ with youthful parishioners.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.