Government Closes: President Touts Hat
”Dems won’t wear this hat, so you should”
While Senate Democrats and Republicans worked to exhaustion to see who would call the other’s bluff first, the President spent the weekend doing what he does best. Self promotion.
After dictating the outgoing phone messages for the White House staff, the President launched a weekend of photo shoots featuring him working hard to make America great again. To make sure we got the message, he wore his new white MAGA cap in every photo, whether pretending to make a phone call, lining up troops to salute, or rushing down a sidewalk in his cool black Clint Eastwood Wild West duster. Without the dust.
The White House staff even cleared off his desk to make it look like he was focused on one task, selling those new white MAGA caps to fund the government while the IRS and Treasury closed their doors.
Loyal Americans who logged onto whitehouse.gov were not only greeted with the message that the site was down “because the illiberal Dems shut down our government like crying babies shut down a movie,” but a link to the new MAGA caps. In addition to buying caps, taxpayers could fund the government by buying “Nested Punching Dolls with their own MAGA hats.”
“Feeling frustrated that the government let you down. Don’t take it out on your GOP Congressman. Express your rage where it belongs. Punch out your complete set of Nested Dem punching dolls. Still angry? Knock ’em over again. They bounce back up to keep the government closed for one more day and make sure illegal rapists stay but no wall will ever be built to keep them out. (Each Dem doll comes with his own MAGA hat to remind him how badly he failed us.”
“Feeling frustrated that the government let you down? Express your rage where it belongs. Punch out your complete set of Nested Dem punching dolls.”
To promote sales, the President Tweeted, “Dems won’t wear this hat. What better reason to prove you should?”
The President worked so hard to keep the shutdown in the public eye he lost his cool when the bill to reopen fell on his desk. “You promised this wouldn’t happen for another week,” he shouted at staff members. “We’ve only sold ten percent of the hats in inventory. Can’t you do anything right?”
He considered not signing the bill in order to continue his hard work condemning the shutdown even after staff members argued that failure to sign would lay the blame in his lap. Finally Chief of Staff John Kelly took his hand and forcibly signed the bill.
“That’s a dozen good Tweets shot to hell,” he complained as he left the Oval Office to sit in the Presidential Throne Room and compose new Tweets.
