Grassley and McConnell steamroll Democrats for eight straight hours during Kavanaugh hearings. (Rick Reinhard)

Grassley Steamrolls Judicial Hearings

Admonishes Democrats: Show objectivity. Cave on Kavanaugh.

Phillip T Stephens
Sep 5, 2018 · 4 min read

For the better part of eight hours Senate Judiciary Chair Chuck Grassley steamrolled his Democratic colleagues rather than actually bring Judge Scott Kavanaugh to the mike for questioning. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell rode Grassley bareback as they denied the Democrats the right to any procedural votes.

The circus was perfectly fine with Kavanaugh ,who told reporters, “Thank God they never got a chance to ask about the shit the White House buried in all those documents. As long as they argue, I’m off the hook.” He then ordered cocktails for every reporter present, courtesy of his K-Street backers.

The hearings began with a Democratic request to delay the hearing and give them time to read the fifty thousand documents which were dumped on their doors fifteen minutes before the hearing. Grassley told Corey Booker, “Who the fuck do you think you are? The majority party? It’s time to teach you that the Constitution doesn’t stand for uppity whiners.”

The chambers doors burst open and Mitch McConnell delivered Grassley’s steamroller. Grassley sat in McConnell’s lap as they chased Schumer, Lahey, and Durbin with the massive rock crushing machine.

When he said that, the chambers doors burst open and Mitch McConnell delivered Grassley’s brand new “All Balls Chuck” steamroller. Grassley sat in McConnell’s lap as they chased Chuck Schumer, Patrick Lahey, and Dick Durbin with the massive rock crushing machine.

Dems fight back and get their asses kicked

Senator Kamala Harris challenged the Chair with the statement “the most important principles behind the integrity of our system of justice is that we have due process and we have transparency.” She was subsequently removed, dressed in the red robes and white cowls of the metaphorical hand maids in the popular TV show, then locked to a public stockade.

Democrats say the Majority and Committee Leader laughed maniacally. Republicans insist the two were merely leading the chamber in prayer, “an expression of American liberties that agitates the demons possessing the Democrats.”

New Jersey Senator Corey Booker reminded Grassley that when he arrived at the Senate, GOP Senators took him under their wings and cautioned him to be objective about hot button issues. Grassley rolled his eyes like a ten-year-old and replied, “You assholes controlled the Senate then. Of course we told you that. Even a monkey brain could figure that out. Now that we’re in control, we don’t give a rat’s ass about objectivity.”

When the Democrats refused to surrender, Grassley called in a team of NBA officials who issued technical violations on every member of the minority party. Once they were effectively benched, Grassley declared, “finally, the real Americans can get a shot at the basket.”

Drumpf leads from the rear. As usual.

He also Tweeted, “Let’s get my man Brett appointed so he can overturn this stupid witch hunt, get Dunc and Chris their offices back so they can fleece the taxpayers without interference, and I won’t be accused of being the ‘pardon candy man.’”

Drumpf appealed to the Sentors’ sense of bipartisanship and fair play. He Tweeted “bipartisanship is for pussies” and “fair play is for fags and losers.”

The hearings produced one tender moment when the father of a teen killed by gun violence at Parkland, Florida, offered his hand to Kavanaugh in a show of unity. Kavanaugh shoved his hands in his pockets, and Grassley jumped into the steamroller to flatten the father.

“We did him a kindness,” Grassley told reporters. “Parts of him will be embedded in the Senate floor for decades, a monument to the people’s will.”

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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