Gray Wolves Intend To Take Down Little Red State-hood In Wisconsin’s War On Wolves
Republican House representative Sean Duffy has declared war against the nearly 900 gray wolves in Wisconsin that reside shyly among the one million and approximately 300,000 odd cows that live there. The more than a million figure counts only the females, dairy cows. It is unclear who knows how many cattle, to say nothing of sheep, goats, pigs, and/or deer there are for every single wolf?
Nevertheless, the congressman does not like wolves, who remind him, as he has been quoted as saying, “Wolves remind me of that story where the little girl from the hood takes food to her grandmother. I hate grandmothers. They need too much healthcare coverage.”
Wolves, meanwhile, are debating which of their pack leaders should take Duffy on, snout to snout.
A handsome alpha, Brawn Scruffy, has agreed to prowl into the Duffy home garage, crouch behind boxes overflowing with guns and MAGA hats, snarl menacingly, and spring upon Duffy before he can get through the back door.
“Of course,” Scruffy explained to his pack, “Normally, we are so completely outnumbered by humans and their firepower, that we lay low. We have nothing against them, and would gladly even dance with them like we did in the nineties in that Kevin Costner Dirty Dancing movie.”
Scruffy’s alpha female mother softly suggested that her son, who seemed very intent upon sniffing near a ground squirrel hole, was confusing Dirty Dancing with Dances With Wolves.
Americans overwhelmingly love wolves and all magnificent wildlife, but in invoking states rights to trap, shoot and poison wolves at will, many conservationists fear the already outnumbered wolves will again rapidly decline in numbers as they approach extinction.
This fear was echoed by a young female among the pack named Dawn Fluffy. “My three little cubs were poisoned to death in their nursing den while I went out for a cup of rabbit.” Fluffy, who was missing one eye thanks to a drunken, trigger happy, Elmer Fudd type, lowered her head, sadly. “The last time I saw my babies, they whimpered, choked and died in my paws.”
Wisconsin is now considered a red state, and has voted accordingly, something that worries the many people there who are still thrilled wolves recovered from the brink of extermination there in the last two decades. “We love the wolves, they belong here.” said Virginia Woolf, author of A Den of One’s Own, the beloved wolf book about the importance of treating wolves almost as well as we treat human females.” “We’re the trespassers,” agreed Ms, Woolf’s guest, noted feminist Naomi Wolf.
“This is nothing but a dog whistle to whip up the base. It’s red and sometimes red-neck, deplorables in this state,” Said one wildlife lover to Wolf Blitzzar from ZNN, (Zero News Network).
Wolf Blitzzar, who identifies as part werewolf, part cis normative, appeared at a wilderness conservation event and later reported that the plan for wolves to take on House Representative Duffy, had failed. “Wolves,” he said, “Don’t know how to get into your garage, yet more evidence, that they are neither coming for you, your bazillion cows, or even your guns.”
