Greeting Cards for the Me Too Era
Trigger warning. Note: This piece is a work of satire.
The Classic: I’m sorry you were raped.
The Classic Modern: I’m sorry you were raped and are just now realizing it.
The Classic Modern Twist: I’m sorry you were raped and are just now realizing it due to the internalized misogyny and shame put on you by the societal standards of rape culture.
Thank You Standard: Thank you for staying by my side as I coped with trauma from my past.
Thank You Plus: Thank you for answering my call in the middle of the night while I was fighting insomnia, having a panic attack and deciding whether or not to take PM meds or vodka shots.
Thank You Deluxe: Thank you for meeting me in the office bathroom to game plan the best way to stand up to my misogynist boss while retaining a shot at getting the promotion I deserve.
Congratulations: Congrats on figuring out you were raped! Proud of you.
Congratulations Medium: Proud of you, babe! You told him to get his hands off your ass.
Congratulations Major: Yay! So proud of you for digging through memories of past abuse and internalized shame in order to figure out, for the most part, that it’s not actually your fault, girl!
Just Because: Yay! Your rage didn’t kill anyone today.
Just Because Version 2: You walked to your car/home/office in the dark. You’re awesome!
Just Because Version 3: You said, “Excuse me? No!” to a guy cutting you in line. That’s cool!
Love and Romance: Congrats on dating someone that hasn’t sexually assaulted you (yet.)
Love and Romance 2: Your partner respected your consent. Let’s party!
Love and Romance Deluxe: Congratulations on your wedding! May you both continue sharing truths about the pain of your past emotional abuse in order to make a better present and future.
Anniversary: I love you, honey. I’ll always be here to help mourn the loss of your stolen virginity.
Anniversary Modern: I will not roll my eyes tonight as you blame the patriarchy for everything.
Big Anniversary : Sweetheart, I won’t always understand your complex emotions and how you’re able to go from level 1 to level 50 and back to level 1 in the blink of an eye, but I’m in awe of your experience as a woman who’s been through relentless sexual harassment, and I promise to be a partner in your lifelong healing process, despite my complete and total lack of understanding.
Get Well 1: I hope the nightmares from your PTSD stop soon.
Get Well 2: Hi! I hope your rape kit is processed within a year or two.
Get Well 3: I hope your emotional scars heal as quickly as the physical ones.
Birthday: Hey babe! For your birthday this year, I hope you’re not date raped.
Birthday Modern: I hope this loop around the sun brings you a really great therapist.
Important Birthday: Happy Birthday! On one hand, I hope your repressed memories stay repressed so you can avoid the suffering, but on the other hand, I hope you uncover those memories so you can begin a period of deep, searing pain that will eventually, if you work extremely diligently and ignore everything culture tells you, bring a temporary bout of healing joy years down the road.
Don’t forget to buy stamps!
