Gutting the Mustard

Stephen H Stein
Jul 27, 2017 · 2 min read

They moved the mustard section at the grocery, which kinda blew out my mental mustard motherboard. But I stumbled upon it anyway. Nonetheless, I was forced to reset and ask myself, “Steve, are you doing enough for your family as it concerns mustard?”

So. Many. Choices.

We used to be a French family. Now we typically do Koop’s — something in a spicy brown or deli. We’ve also dabbled in the organics, but it’s rather limited. Same with Mustard Girl, who I assume is German.

Everything was pretty much $2.49, although there was a nice deal on Guldens — 70¢. But we’ve been there, done that.

Hands down, the best mustard is CLEVELAND STADIUM mustard. Duh. Everyone knows that. Actually, hold on. BA-TAMPTE makes a damn good mustard. But neither was a choice at the River Forest Jewel.

Again, that voice in my head, “Steve, your family and mustard, are you doing all you can?”

“Shhh, Steve,” I said. “Leave me alone. I’ll just get — whoa.”

“What is it?”

“Nathan’s.”

“Nathan’s? From Coney Island?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it any good?”

“I don’t know. But my folks are from New York and-“

“Yeah, get it.”

“Really?”

“Look at it. It’s in its own squeeze bottle.”

“Alright, cool.”

Alright, let’s do this!

There was something else I was supposed to get at the grocery, but I forgot what it was and since they moved everything around anyway, I just got the mustard and left.


Update: Turn out there’s a MUSTARD MUSEUM. Because mustard.


Every time you click that clap a puppy gets a belly scratch, an ear rub, AND a handful of super yummy crunchy puppy treats. But if you don’t, it gets the hose again. Just saying…

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Stephen H Stein

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The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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