Haven Announces New POTUS Policy

President’s name to be given respect it deserves

This week, after seconds of discussion,The Haven’s style rules changed to reflect a new editorial policy. We will no longer refer to the President

his name, or
his elected position.

Last summer several reporters[1] pointed out that 45 likes hearing his name too much, even when criticized. The mere fact that he was powerful enough to be mentioned by critics boosts his overinflated ego. Over the last month, however, we began to realize that even calling him by his title boosts his ego.

As a consequence, The Haven will now refer to the President as “45,” or by his family name, Drumpf. TV Comic John Oliver has already suggested this, but Haven researchers have discovered why the so called “Trump” family wishes to distance itself from the name.

The family name isn’t Drumpf, but Drumpfkopf. It was shortened to Drumpf when the similar word “dummkopf” gained popularity during the late 19th century. And it gained popularity because of 45’s great great uncle Vörzgert Drumpfkopf.

The Trump family name isn’t Drumpf, but Drumpfkopf. It was shortened to Drumpf when the similar word “dummkopf” gained popularity during the late 19th century.

The Germans erased Drumpfkopf’s name from their history books after he singlehandedly drove the new nation to the brink of bankruptcy and dissolution. In reaction to the policies of Chancellor Otto Bismark, who created Europe’s first welfare state and oversaw its rise to international prominence, Drumpfkopf replaced him with support of rural nationalists who longed for the old empire. He campaigned on the platform, “Mach Deutschland wieder zu Preußen” (Make Germany Prussia Again).

Drumpfkopf was best known for his bluster. He spent more time giving speeches in village squares than serving in office, and would rail for hours against foreigners, schwartzers and women “who don’t know their place.” He spent most of Germany’s revenues building a wall to withstand “Austrian invaders,” a wall which cost the equivalent of seven billion dollars in today’s money and never broke ground.

Drumpfkopf spent most of Germany’s revenues building a wall to withstand “Austrian invaders,” a wall which cost the equivalent of seven billion dollars in today’s money and never broke ground.

The contractor, arms dealer IG Farben spent the money to develop chemical weapons instead. Within two years Germany lost the territories annexed under Bismark, and could no longer support the welfare state. The Parliament voted unanimously to remove Drumpfkopf from office when the population threatened to hang them all for supporting such incompetence.

Since Drumpfkopf’s last name resembled dummkopf and his first name resembled “verzögert” (slow), people began to refer to the Drumpfkopf family and anyone who supported his leadership as “dummdrumpfkopf’s.” It was soon after this that the family shortened their name to “Drumpf” and 45’s grandfather immigrated to America to escape ridicule.

45 with Bannon at a NOTC summer retreat (c. 1964). Notice he’s the only one smiling. (German Archives)

The Trump family clung tightly to their extreme nationalist traditions, and continues to do so today. Haven researchers recently found photographs of 45’s NOTC (Nationalist Officer Training Camp) summer retreats. It was here that he met Steve Bannon, and members of the Mnuchin family.

An entry from Mnuchin’s father, who was a counselor, in the camp logs records, “Just like his great great uncle, the idiot child thinks this is all a joke. The other young men train with the seriousness the program deserves. He knows all troubles will be resolved when his father donates another hundred thousand to the Party.”

“Just like his great great uncle, the idiot child thinks this is all a joke. The other young men train with the seriousness the program deserves. He knows all troubles will be resolved when his father donates another hundred thousand to the Party.”

Given this new information, The Haven feels it is appropriate to honor the history of the Drumpf family by continuing the use of the family name.

Page Barnes, Haven founder, commented, “I have no idea where this came from. I haven’t heard anything about it and it sounds like something Stephens dreamed up because he’s been writing too many Trump stories. He broke under the pressure. Nothing in this article is true.”

With all due respect to our founder, however, it’s all true. Unlike other writers and publications, I don’t do fake news.

[1]: Actually one writer, but the weird rules of set theory allow us to include “one” within the meaning of “several.”