Having the Talk with Free Market, My Fourteen-Year-Old Daughter
Hey, Ri, are you making TikToks again? No, I don’t want to do the ‘Floss’ or the ‘Worker Exploitation’ with you. Just come here and have a seat. It’s time we had the Talk: heart to heart, man to daughter, unwitting victim to societal construct.
You’re still growing, and I’m sure you’ll become a smart, funny and happy woman one day. But please don’t destroy humanity. That’s not as funny a prank as you make it out to be right now. I’ve never been a fan of gallows humor — especially when you’re the one setting up the punchline too.
I know your heart wants you to become an Influencer who supports World Poverty, Unregulated Consumerism and things of that sort. There was a time I wanted to be a writer myself. A satirist on The Onion or McSweeney’s, making fun of people who decided parenting was a good idea in the 21st century. And then, before I knew it, you crashed into our lives in 2007. Right from the real estate market, and down my wife’s vagina. I had to quit my dreams and become a late night writer to pay our bills. The point being that sometimes, life punches you in the balls — even if you have a vagina.
No, you’re not a mistake. If anything, your mother and I brought this upon ourselves with all those mortgages. But look at what you’ve grown up to be. We’re so proud of you.
You and I still need to talk about a few things, though.
Your break-up with Sustainabel wasn’t the prettiest. I always knew that young lad, Growth, wasn’t up to any good. These things, though — heartbreak, sorrow, irreversible damage to the climate — are only a natural part of everyone’s adolescence. But you need to understand that just because you’re no longer friends with Abel, doesn’t mean you can go around having ‘mood swings’ and destroying three quarters of the world’s greenery. For one thing, your mother’s working very hard on setting up a vegetable garden in the backyard.
No, don’t put this down as a ‘lady thing’ men can’t understand. I’ve known many ladies in my life. And they’ve had their highs and they’ve had their lows. (Mostly lows when they’ve been with me). But biology isn’t an excuse for ‘raising the temp’ just because it’s a ‘global trend’. I don’t get what you do on your phone all day — but I hope you aren’t texting Mark, Jeff, Elon or any of your other rich ‘friends’ again.
I didn’t mean to shame you. I’m sorry. But as a father, I do notice certain things. I know for a fact that you’ve become quite close to a lot of them. And as a man, let me tell you that our gender’s historically been up to no good. Those friends of yours have manipulated you in the past for their own benefit — you shouldn’t be depending on them for any emotional support. Or fair wages.
I’ve heard the neighbors saying things. Socialist things. That I should send you to college and make you pay off your own student loans. That it’ll make you feel how you’ve made their kids feel in the past. They’re jealous, that’s all. Why else would they imply that you’re not even real? “Free Market doesn’t exist,” they say in hushed tones and at the parties when I’m not there. I want to go and punch them in the face when they say that. But I don’t, because I can’t afford the hospital bills if they punch me back.
How’s your science project coming along? You had to create a Universal Healthcare model, didn’t you? Our education system doesn’t even realize how ridiculous it sounds sometimes.
Thanks for listening to me. You can go now… Yes, I’d very much like to try out the ‘Floss’ soon. My body doesn’t move the way it used to, but I’m sure we can GoFundMe some money if I break my back or something.
Come on, cheer up now — that was gallows humor too!
Abhijato Sensarma is an eighteen-year-old student from Kolkata, India. He’s on the verge of stepping into the real world — which does not stop him from making fun of it whenever he can. You can reach him on Twitter.
