HARDEN YOUR HABANERO
Heat Up Your Sex Life With Boner Chili
There’s a happy ending in every bowl.
Sales of Viagra® have softened in Michigan since men re-discovered an old-fashioned cure for erectile dysfunction: Boner Chili. “It’s a surefire way to get a diamond-cutter,” said an elderly gentleman who’s popular with the ladies at a retirement home in Battle Creek. “Sure, I get gassy an hour after I eat it. That just means I gotta do the pants-off dance-off in the time it takes to do a TED Talk. Besides, farting is no big deal for a man. Our butts putt-putt all day as it is. And all night — which is a good thing: when our rumps are roarin’, it drowns out our snorin’.”
Boner Chili is one of Michigan’s traditional “medicinal comfort foods.” Folks have used them since the early nineteenth century as an alternative to expensive prescription drugs.
Another example is Pig Snout Pot Pie, which is used to treat arthritis. It contains the usual ingredients: chopped onions and carrots, sliced celery and green beans, peas, corn, garlic powder, and salt. The active ingredients are:
- Chopped spinach, kale and collard greens, which are rich in inflammation-fighting antioxidants;² and
- Pig snouts. Their cartilage contains glucosamine,³ which relieves joint pain.
This dish is popular with gaffers and gammers, especially in the rural Up North. And it’s easy to make. Just don’t forget one crucial step: rinse the pig snouts with a neti pot before putting them in the pie. If you don’t, you’ll end up with Pig Snot Pot Pie.
Another popular dish is Hot Flash Mac ’n Tofu, which alleviates the symptoms of menopause. It’s similar to mac ’n cheese, in that it contains elbow macaroni, butter, whole milk, whipping cream, and red bell pepper. Also onion and garlic powders, mustard, paprika, salt, and pepper. The active ingredients are:
- Silken tofu, which is used in place of cheese. The tofu contains phytoestrogens⁴ (plant compounds that mimic human estrogen), which lessen hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia; and
- Castoreum⁵ to moderate the mood swings associated with menopause.⁶
Castoreum is a yellowish, sticky musk secreted by beavers. They dribble it around their dens to tell everyone “This is my territory.” (Dogs do the same thing, only they use pee-mail.)
There’s just one problem with castoreum: you can’t grab it off the “Musk” shelf in a grocery store. A man has to squeeze it out of the castor sacs at the back end of a beaver.
Some bark-eaters don’t mind being groped by a human. Especially if the guy greets them with a fresh bouquet of twigs. Tells them they look fetching in their fur coat. Then sweet-talks the beaver while kneading its nether regions.
Unfortunately, most men treat a beaver like a piece of long flat tail. This isn’t just disrespectful; it’s stupid. The beaver’s apt to respond by gnawing the guy’s bat and stripping the bark off his balls. So why do Michigan men brave those dangers to make Hot Flash Mac ’n Tofu? Because they’re more afraid of Michigan women who are going through The Change. Should they be? Well, consider this: guys usually go for the castoreum; they’ve got a better chance of reasoning with a beaver.
As for Boner Chili, it’s Michigan’s oldest folklore pharmaceutical. Back in the early 1800s,
- Fishermen ate it when they couldn’t raise their main sail;
- Bowhunters ate it to stiffen the arrows in their quivers;
- Scribes ate it to put lead in their pencils;
- And in the early days of auto manufacturing, men ate Boner Chili when their jalopy was floppy.
Guys have always been able to count on Boner Chili to give ’em a happy ending. Indeed, BC was a “happy meal” long before McDonald’s rolled their’s out in 1979.⁷
Like the other medicinal comfort foods, Boner Chili contains the standard ingredients: kidney beans, diced tomatoes, chopped onions and green peppers, minced garlic cloves, and tomato sauce. Also chili powder, bay leaves, oregano, cumin, and parsley flakes.
But it’s the active ingredients that put the ram in a man’s rod.
The first group raises his crotch rocket on the launch pad: habanero, jalapeño, Thai, Anaheim, Hungarian wax, and poblano peppers. These are rich⁸ in capsaicin,⁹ the chemical which gives chili peppers their heat. More important, capsaicin induces the body to produce nitric oxide (NO). NO is a vasodilator¹⁰ — a chemical which expands blood vessels so they can deliver more blood to a man’s nether regions.
The peppers alone could pump up a guy’s python. But Boner Chili doesn’t stop there. Sesame seed flour is used in place of the traditional masa harina (corn flour) as a thickener. It contains an amino acid called arginine.¹¹ Ground watermelon rind adds another amino acid to the chili: citrulline.¹² Both acids are precursors to nitric oxide.
Capsaicin, arginine and citrulline: put them together, and you get a nitric oxide tsunami that’ll turn a man’s sapling into a sequoia.
The second group puts the bang in his payload: Eastern oysters, clams, sliced avocado, and flaxseed oil. They’re loaded¹³ with zinc,¹⁴ vitamin B12,¹⁵ vitamin E,¹⁶ and Omega-3 fatty acids.¹⁷ Those substances strengthen a man’s sperm and improve its motility. In other words, they turn his Boy Scouts into Marines and prepare them to take the hill.
Boner Chili is better than Viagra® at helping a man who’s having stifficulties. Yes, they both prime a guy’s pump in thirty minutes and keep up the pressure for hours. However,
- Boner Chili costs less. Viagra® costs $138.75 per pill.¹⁸ Generic sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra®) costs $6 per pill.¹⁸ Boner Chili’s ingredients cost ~$3.83 per bowl.
- Boner Chili has fewer side effects. Viagra® can cause headaches, lightheadedness, blurred vision, loss of hearing, tingling in the extremities, rashes, itching, heartburn, nausea, shortness of breath, and chest pains.¹⁹ Boner Chili has just two side effects, which’ll be described shortly.
- Viagra® should be taken with just water; “food may impact its effectiveness.”²⁰ Boner Chili can be taken with Pabst Blue Ribbon, and its effectiveness is increased by topping it with diced onions and shredded cheddar.
Best of all, if a man uses Boner Chili, he’s the only one who knows he’s got a problem. If he chooses Viagra®, he has to get a prescription from a doctor, then pick up the pills at a pharmacy or receive them in the mail. Either way, Michigan’s biggest gossips — doctor’s office receptionists, drug store clerks, and mailmen — know he needs knob starch. And shortly after that, everyone in the community will know he’s having a Cuban Missile Crisis.
There’s just two drawbacks to using Boner Chili to reboot your server.
First, after eating a bowlful, a guy’s gherkin is stiff as a golf club in thirty minutes, but he’s got only fifteen to swing it. That’s because Boner Chili shifts a man’s flatus apparatus into overdrive.
It wouldn’t be a problem if he only made a heinie hiccup. Even an ass quack won’t ruin the mood when a couple’s making boom-chick-a-bow-wow; they’ll shrug it off as a love-puff and press on.
Unfortunately, after Boner Chili’s been cookin’ awhile in a man’s colon, his backside makes poopy tunes. Make no mistake: his fanny flute won’t play the melodious solo in California Dreamin’ by The Mamas & The Papas. No, his booty tuba will blast the climactic movement of the 1812 Overture, complete with cannon fire.
Second, Boner Chili makes a staggering amount of swamp gas in an astonishingly short time. A man normally produces enough flatus in a day to fill three measuring cups.²¹ After eating a bowl of Boner Chili, he’ll make enough in an hour to fill a bedroom.
“That’s no big deal,” say chili junkies. “It’s just chipotle chili smog.”
“Not so,” say men who’ve eaten Boner Chili. Indeed, the chief of a fire department in Michigan had unusual take on the subject. He likened Boner Chili to a gaseous fire suppression (GFS) system.
GFS systems, he said, snuff out fires by flooding rooms with inert gases. They’re used in place of sprinklers when water would damage the room’s contents, be it rare books, works of art, data servers, or power plant control systems.
Likewise, Boner Chili fumes snuff out sex. A couple may have only just started to play tonsil hockey, or on their third round of pelvic pinochle. Regardless, it’s “game over” when the guy’s badunkadonk starts to belch.
What happens if a couple ignores that first fanny flutter? Such as because she hasn’t finished riding the Baloney Express, or he’s still paddling up coochie creek? So they decide to take their chances and go for the finish line?
It’s a bad idea. As GFS gases will knock down a fire in sixty seconds, Boner Chili fog will smother lust in mid thrust.
It’ll smother the lovebirds, too. Every month, a Michigan newspaper reports that gas-masked EMTs rescued a couple overcome by Boner Chili vapors. Only last week, a gentleman dove between the sheets to nuzzle milady’s naughty bits. Unfortunately, he dawdled too long and was asphyxiated by a miasma of his own making. “I tried to buy more time by clenching my cornhole,” he said afterwards. “I’d have had better luck using my butt cheeks to choke my leaf blower.”
But here’s the main difference between GFS systems and Boner Chili. GFS gases are inert mixtures of nitrogen, argon, and carbon dioxide. They’re not breathable, but neither will they kill anyone. GFS systems release only enough gases to displace ten percent of the air. If someone’s in the room, they’ll just experience shortness of breath, dizziness, and an increased heart rate.
When Boner Chili dials a guy’s pooter up to “full blast,” its gases also make up just ten percent of the room’s atmosphere. However, BC’s poo propellant contains sizable fractions of hydrogen and methane. Which means if a guy or his gal light up a cigarette after having sex, their coitus will be followed by a much bigger “bang.”
Despite its hazards, Michigan men continue to use Boner Chili when they’re wangxious. It’s a cheap, fast, and tasty way to get a diamond cutter. And its safe — so long as couples heed the warnings written on the back of each recipe card.
#1. Use Boner Chili only for brief encounters, such as
- Brisk boinking in a broom closet;
- Hasty humping in a hospital room;
- Rumpy-pumpy in a porta-potty;
- Waka-waka in a Winnebago at an RV & camping show; or
- A creepy quickie in a crypt.
#2. If your crotch rocket is ready for liftoff but your partner has wandered off, don’t waste the opportunity. As songwriter Stephen Stills said, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”²²
#3. Once Boner Chili engorges a guy’s gherkin, the clock is ticking. There’s no time for small-talk, holding hands, or gazing into each others’ eyes. Don’t sprinkle rose petals, dim the lights, or do a striptease. Fuggedabout foreplay. A couple’s got fifteen minutes before the man’s bum begins to burp. So make the beast with two backs and start churnin’ the butter.
#4. Don’t dive between the sheets to Slytherin your lover’s Hufflepuff. It doesn’t matter if they’re ready. It doesn’t matter if you’re willing. If the guy’s bunghole belches prematurely, the EMTs will have to drag you out of there.
#5. If your mattress-dance ends and you’ve yet to hear a rump-rumble, resist the urge to cuddle. The boy’s bowels have been brewing awhile. Don’t squeeze him unless you like the sound of bagpipes. And don’t light up a cigarette; you may ignite his “bumsen” burner.²³
#6. When the man’s sphincter siren sounds, evacuate immediately. It doesn’t matter if he’s in the middle of driving Miss Daisy. It doesn’t matter if she’s still oscillating her unmentionables to get her groove on. When his cheeks squeak, that means his butt bazooka is cocked, locked and ready to rock. So get the flock outta there. “Because,” said a bomb disposal expert, “until he scours out his colon with steel-cut oatmeal and a gallon of cowboy coffee, ya gotta treat the guy like he’s an IET — an improvised explosive tushy.”
[1]: website reference deleted
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[18]: “How Much Does Viagra Cost?”, hims, https://www.hims.com/blog/how-much-viagra-cost
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[22]: “Love the One You’re With”, Genius, https://genius.com/Stephen-stills-love-the-one-youre-with-lyrics
[23]: Bunsen burner, Brittanica, https://www.britannica.com/science/Bunsen-burner
