HELP WANTED
Job Title: Kindergarten Teacher
Employer: NRA Charter Schools
Description: The National Rifle Association’s new charter school The Cold Dead Hands Academy in Springfield, Arkansas is looking for an experienced, energetic dead shot to teach kindergarten classes. Class size will range from 14 to 30 children depending on your response time during mass shootings. Pay commensurate with experience.
Start Date: September 1, 2018
Mission of The School: Our mission is to raise fine young men and women of great moral character and to inculcate respect for our interpretation of the second amendment since the 1970s when we decided it was actually the right to armed insurrection. Also, reading.
Responsibilities:
· Teach phonics-based literacy
· Teach basic social skills, including sharing, kindness, and decency
· Teach firearms safety essentials like always having a loaded gun within arm’s reach, even at age five
· Teaching safety skills like care with scissors, stop drop and roll, and muzzle discipline
· Be ready to blast to death any student or adult who you think could be a mass shooter, even if you are in the toilet, or have no clear idea what is happening
Perks:
· Company “retreat” (we call it “reload”) every July at an undisclosed location care of the Michigan Militia
· On-site gun range
· Free ammo (produced by students in our high school shop class)
· Company discounts at K-Mart, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and Cabela’s
Qualifications: Must have a bachelor’s degree in education or related experience, be kind, patient, and deadly with magazine-loading pistols, revolvers, and of course, long guns. 2–3 year experience teaching young children/ being a Navy SEAL or Army Ranger. Must show evidence of the progress of three former problem students, and at least ten confirmed kills. Lower arm tattoos acceptable provided they are related to military service. Must have some experience teaching children with developmental disabilities and field stripping an M-16 while blindfolded. Thousand yard stare will be given preferential consideration.
About Us: The NRA was founded in New York on November 17, 1871, by Civil War generals who were upset with the shooting talents of their soldiers. Today, the NRA is the leading firearms education organization in the world, and a leader in reading the constitution as a suicide pact. The NRA is an equal opportunity employer, LOL.
