Humbling a Neighborhood Sunday driver.
“Sunday Driving is the art of incredibly infuriating other drivers without ever physically engaging them. This practice is accomplished by driving anywhere between 15 and 25 mph below the speed limit whilst making certain there’s no legal way for the potential victims to pass, detour or safely exit to go kill themselves. To qualify as a Sunday Drive, it needs to be done on any other day other than Sunday, preferably on weekdays when people are trying to accomplish things.” — Jason Chavez, Road Rage Instigator.
Quincy MA: Apparently, performing normal duties as a Sunday Driver isn’t a walk in the park as you’d expect. You have to follow a set of rules to successfully get under your fellow commuters’ skin without endangering your own life. Merely slowing down to a snails pace is just the start. Ability to diagnose a rapidly fluid situation and have the right reflexes to avert disaster are important tools for survival.
Seventy five year old Marvin Haywood of Rehoboth MA, is a fully decorated Sunday Driver who began annoying South Shore drivers shortly after retiring…ten years ago. He’s well known to a myriad of police departments as being at the center of a host of road rage accidents. Most of the Traffic Constables I’ve spoken to have already pre-filled his name in their incident reports.
On the 6th day of March 2017, Marvin was driving his 93' Buick Sabre down Rt 138 South when he spotted a driver in his rear view mirror rapidly approaching behind him at the breakneck speed of 45 mph, the assigned speed limit. As a professional Sunday Driver, he had no choice, but to immediately parse his brakes and nonchalantly ignore the hullabaloo of honks and obscene gestures unfolding behind him. Doreen Smith 56, of Scituate refused to be a victim of his antics as her Fighting Irish blood inundated her carotid artery forcing her to flank Marvin on his right using muddy swamps and short reeds as a temporary lane and batter her passive adversary repeatedly with 5500 lb of Jeep Cherokee. She had an Open House to make (even though she didn’t plan on buying, the realtor was famous for his fine wines and cheesey treats). Marvin, himself being not Irish at all, was unlucky enough to be pushed right into an oncoming utility truck sending him careening into a ravine where his free fall was rudely and suddenly brought to a stop by a gigantic boulder. He had to be boomed out of his predicament in his mangled car and extricated with the jaws of life. Afterwards, he was flown to Boston Medical Center where he got his right leg amputated.
The Trauma Surgeon in charge is still amazed that he escaped with his life. A recent visit to ancestry.com showed he did have a little Irish in him. Regrettably, it was not enough to absolve him of horrific injuries. Doreen herself would go on to be cited with a $35 ticket for failure to yield, but she’s fighting it in Traffic Court next month. According to her, she’s certain she’ll beat it because she’s confident the cop who wrote it won’t show up as “he’ll be busy going after the real criminals”.
Update: Marvin went ahead to sue UFRC Insurance, Doreen’s insurance company for obvious reasons. The plaintiff was able to procure a memo that the police recovered from Marvin’s Buick. It was in essence a cheat sheet on how to be an effective Sunday Driver.
(Hypnotizing motorized fan) You like this piece. You will Recommend and Follow. You are a winner. They should make more of your kind.