Heroic Bumblebee Saves Hive, Kills Child

News the human media doesn’t want you to read

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If the true measure of a hero is one who runs toward danger, then Sara “Buzzy” Bumble is indisputably a hero.

And like many heroes, she is also modest.

“I don’t know,” she told reporters. “I just did what any bumblebee would.”

Buzzy was out foraging for nectar when she caught the harsh scent of alarm pheromones blazing on the wind. Intruder alert! The hive was in danger! Fear stabbed Buzzy’s heart like the sting of an angry wasp, but she didn’t hesitate; she rushed back to the hive to answer the call.

And what she found there shook her to the core.

“There was this enormous thing, right, with these two arms and two legs, and it was just throwing these giant rocks right at the hive! I couldn’t believe it!”

Sources confirm that the monster that assaulted the hive today was a “boy.” This vicious giant had been sighted earlier in the day, stalking our beloved home with malice etched on its hideous face. A squadron of drones was dispatched to investigate, and the foul creature fled upon their approach.

The threat was reported as “neutralized.”

Sadly, this was not the case. The beast returned, hurling a barrage of high-speed missiles at the vulnerable hive — and one of those missiles scored a deadly blow. Sectors seven through nine were completely crushed, their proud hexagonal cells pulped into shapeless wounds that bled liquid gold. Surrounding sectors were severely damaged, and dozens of innocent workers were maimed and massacred; lost wings and limbs festooned the ground like favors from a twisted piñata.

And one brave bee was driven to fight back.

“I was just so angry,” Buzzy said. “I mean, that hive’s my home. My whole family lives there!”

Fueled by righteous rage, Buzzy flew into action, dodging and weaving around the creature’s flailing paws with no regard for her own safety. Three times she buzzed its head, looking for an opening, and three times she darted back. Finally, she saw her chance: slipping into the child’s ear like it was the bell of a fleshy tulip, Buzzy delivered a potent sting, triggering an allergic reaction that sent the monster tumbling to the ground.

“I did feel kind of bad about that,” she said. “There were innocent ants down there that got squished, and a really nice old pillbug named Joe. But it had to be done.”

As the monster thrashed about in the rocks and weeds, a host of bees followed Buzzy’s lead and swarmed upon its rapidly swelling face. Scores were squished before they even got to land, but many more made it through, and they stung the child over and over again. They stung its neck, and they stung its cheeks; they stung its weeping eyes and its snot-infested nose. No soft part remained unpunctured. Frantically, the beast clawed its throat, but its last gasping breaths inhaled only brave warrior bees. Its spasms stopped, and its final rush of effluence permeated the air. The threat had been neutralized — permanently.

At an impromptu ceremony shortly afterward, Queen Serena Honeysuckle awarded Buzzy the Golden Honeycomb, the highest decoration possible for services to the hive.

“The whole bumblebee community owes Buzzy a debt of gratitude,” said the queen. “It took many brave bees to kill the beast, but Buzzy led the charge. Her courage saved us all.”

Buzzy later died of injuries sustained when her stinger ripped painfully from her abdomen.

Originally published in Funny Times, April 2020