The Haven
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The Haven

HOT DATE

“Hey Babe, Ya Wanna Boogie?”

Having sex with demons in Northern Michigan

Photo by Apollo White Wolf on Flickr

Sex between humans and demons is on the rise, according to the Republican candidate for Michigan Secretary of State. And if you think a scabby demon penis is scary, she warns, wait ’til you hear about satanic STDs.

The candidate, Kristina Karamo, is on the faculty at Wayne County Community College. She teaches Christian apologetics — the “science” of using the Bible to defend the “truth-claims” of Christianity. She’s never held public office. She tried to just once before, when she ran for the Oakland County Commission, and lost by a wide margin.

Teaching is Karamo’s side job. Mainly, she podcasts QAnon, culture war, and Trump propaganda. That last item is all Trump needed to declare that “Kristina Karamo has my Complete and Total Endorsement to run for Secretary of State of the Great State of Michigan! She is strong on Crime, including the massive Crime of Election Fraud.” And that’s all the Michigan Republican Party needed to make her its candidate.

Ms. Karamo has made dubious claims. Trump lost to Biden because of massive voter fraud. The January 6 attack on the Capitol was carried out by Antifa anarchists in MAGA hats. Public schools are “government indoctrination camps.” Abortion is a “satanic practice.” LGBTQ people “indoctrinate society with sexual perversion.” Their supporters are “agents of the devil.”

But Karamo is right about one thing: people are having sex with demons. Furthermore, in a September 2020 podcast, she warned that “having intimate relationships with people who are demonically possessed opens themselves up to possession.”

For evidence, she need only point to a remote corner of her own state: the Leelanau, a peninsula in Michigan’s Up North known for vast cherry orchards, miles of Lake Michigan beaches, and a scummy dating pool that makes demon hook-ups preferable to doing it with humans.

That’s because Leelanau singles aren’t good at dating. At dinner, the average guy brags about becoming a professional paintballer or beer taster some day. Shows his date photos of his car, dog, and dick. Runs on about how no woman can measure up to his mother. Then asks his date if she’d pretend to be mommie during sex. He thinks he can romance his way into a woman’s panties with a few Solo® Cups of Mad Dog 20/20. He’ll buy her dinner if he must, but only if she orders from the kiddie menu. But when the bill comes, he’ll be shocked to discover he left his wallet at home.

As for the average woman, she reaches across the table to pick food off her date’s plates. Tells him he needs to drop some weight, dress better, lose the bald spot, and somehow get interesting. He can still get lucky tonight, she says, but only if he wears a paper bag over his head during sex. Oh, and if she wears one too, in case his falls off. This assumes that, if it’s a first date, she doesn’t ditch him before it starts. Leelanau women use escape maneuvers if they don’t like what they see. Such as after he asks “Are you Karen?” She responds “Are you Joe?” “Yes, I’m Joe,” says he. “Then I’m not Karen,” says she.

This is why Leelanau singles set a low bar for dating. In Michigan, a person is considered dateable if they’re alive and breathing. On the Leelanau, undead and not rotting will do.

Pazuzu. Photo by Fabiano Scanc on Flickr

That’s why Pazuzu qualifies for the dating scene. She’s not from around here: Pazuzu was spawned in Mesopotamia, where she spent thousands of years tormenting villagers with droughts and locusts. In 1973, she took a break to be a technical advisor for The Exorcist, which was filming in New York. Pazuzu did an impressive job: instead of coaching Linda Blair on how to act like a demon, she possessed Blair, then played the role herself. Afterwards, Pazuzu stuck around to tour the States, moving from body to body ’til she wound up on the Leelanau, where she currently resides in a Northport duplex.

Pazuzu is considered a hot date. She always assumes the form of a teenage girl in a nighty. Guys think that’s a turn-on. That is, if they can get past the oozing pustules and dead flesh. And the head-spinning when they’re doing her doggy-style. Yes, that can make a man go limp. Luckily, Pazuzu can possess a guy’s wiener and turn it into a diamond cutter. As a result, “For a good time, call Pazuzu at 666” is on men’s room walls in every bar in Northport.

Pinhead. Photo by Richie MacLeod on Flickr

Pinhead is another demon who’s never alone on a Saturday night. Yes, he’s a Cenobite, a being which conducts sadomasochistic experiments on humans to determine their limits of pleasure and pain. But he retired last year, and joined the “Silver Tsunami” of baby boomers who move to the Leelanau for the beaches, bicycling, and wineries.

Pinhead doesn’t do BDSM anymore. Quite the opposite: he’s a considerate lover. When he makes out, he kisses like a porcupine (very carefully). He does a date doggy-style, so he won’t give her a sharp stick in the eye. He allows plenty of time for cuddling afterwards. And he never goes down on a woman, lest he poke her in the lady parts.

Ms. Karamo focussed on the dangers of demon sex. Frankly, humans just need to allow for the unexpected. If a demon penis is covered in scales, holster it with love-glove made from a bicycle inner tube. If a demon levitates and you’re on top, hang on tight, ’cause it’s gonna get bumpy. And never forget: an undead vajayjay needs lots of lube.

Most problems can be avoided if the human sets the ground rules. “You can eat my peach, but don’t devour my soul.” “I want to snuggle afterwards; don’t just do me and dematerialize.” “You can drive me home, but don’t drag me to Hell.”

Doing it with a demon is worth the trouble. So what if it has a reputation for doing unspeakable things? Ask it to speak them; you may want to try them. Want a hookup who’s a screamer or talks dirty? No one does those things better than a demon. Bothered that a demon has a forked tongue? That can raise “going down” to a whole ‘nother level. And remember the Demon Rule of Tongue: if its forked, so’s what’s in its nether region. If he’s got a salami, ladies, it’s going to feel crowded down there. If she’s got a coochie, boys, pick a lane, drive a while, then try the other side of the street.

That said, pregnancy can be a problem when doing it with a demon. Because you may end up with a Hellspawn like this.

Marjorie Taylor Greene. Photo by Gage Skidmore on Flickr

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Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster

2.1K Followers

Retired high school social studies teacher in Michigan’s Up North. I’m a Presbyterian spinster, but I’m no Angel.