The Haven
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The Haven


“Hey Ron, Here’s Some Refugees For You!

Martha’s Vineyard sends its undesirables to Florida

Photo by Jeremiah Moss on Flickr

Officials on Martha’s Vineyard have come up with a response to governor Ron DeSantis after he sent refugees to their island: they shipped some of their own to Florida.

DeSantis claimed the Vineyard should get the refugees because it’s full of left-wing elitists who incentivize illegal immigration by refusing to secure the southern border.

The islanders scoffed. DeSantis had performed a cheap stunt to gain publicity. He’d played a cruel political game with peoples’ lives. Frankly, they said, Ron was lower than whale crap on the bottom of the sea.

The islanders had scrambled to provide food, housing, and medical care to the unexpected arrivals. But busy as they were, they found time to do one thing more. Ron liked sending refugees to so-called sanctuaries, they observed. So he shouldn’t mind getting some in return.

The islanders fanned out to inform their Trumpster neighbors of a terrific one-time offer: relocate to a MAGA sanctuary in Florida today, and you’ll be given a free plane ride to get there.

Think about it, they said. No more liberals for next-door neighbors. No more feminists across the street. No more being confronted by rainbow flags on porches and “Love is Love” signs in yards. Getting your hair cut by someone in a Black Lives Matter T-shirt. Filling up your tank at a woke gas station. Bumping into gays at the grocery, lesbians at the hardware store, and bisexuals on the beach. Struggling to tune out conversations at bars about gun control, sustainable development, climate change, or diversity. And no more having to cross the street to avoid a black, brown or yellow person walking toward you on the sidewalk.

The offer couldn’t have come at a better time. The Vineyard MAGAs were at the breaking point. For years they’d been surrounded by people with horrible beliefs. That everyone has a right to an opinion, even someone with whom they disagree. There should be religious freedom for all, not just evangelical white nationalists. Facts are facts; alternative ones aren’t. Science is credible; it’s not just a theory. Black, brown, and yellow lives matter. Women’s rights are human rights.

On the Vineyard, the MAGAs said, grocery stores ram the Green New Deal down people’s throats by encouraging them to recycle bottle and cans. Movie theaters encourage cross-dressing by running Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire. The radio station promotes the Gay agenda by playing “Dancing Queen” by ABBA and “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross. The Vineyard Gazette — the local Lamestream Media — practices Cancel Culture: it won’t print letters to the editor from real Americans about the threats posed by Antifa, white replacement theory, and fluoridated water.

As for the island’s schools, they’re awful. Teachers make white kids feel racist by forcing them to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. They refused to do a forensic audit of the rigged election for Homecoming Queen. Worst of all, teachers sexualize kids. They transition girls into boys by letting them enroll in the Automotive Mechanics class. They transition boys into girls by letting them play the cello in the orchestra. When they staged West Side Story, they signaled it’s ok to be homosexual by letting Maria sing “I feel pretty and witty and gay.” They’re grooming kids to be furries — to identify as cats and dogs: teachers let kids meow and bark, and put litter boxes in the hallways for kids to use. Granted, no one’s seen any of this. But that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

The MAGAs were desperate to put their kids in a school which requires students to recite Bible scripture and say the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump each morning. Teaches them only reading, writing, that the United States was founded as a Christian nation, and Creationism — the science which establishes that people, the Earth, and the heavens were created by God. Which doesn’t teach anything pertaining to sexual orientation, LGBTQ issues, race, or history which might make kids feel bad about their country. And lets them carry firearms, so they can shoot any member of the global pedophile cabal who tries to kidnap them to use their blood for Satanic rituals.

In short, the MAGAs wanted their kids in a school in Florida.

That sealed the deal. But there was no time to lose; the planes would depart at sunset. The MAGAs could arrange later for their houses to be listed with a realtor. Right now, they had to pack. Just the essentials. A change of clothing. Toiletries. And their MAGA stuff: they’d been buying it for years; no way were they leaving it behind. They packed their Lock ’Em Up T-shirts, each displaying photos of criminals such as Hillary Clinton, Dr. Fauci, Barack Obama, and Nancy Pelosi. The men grabbed their “Let’s Go Brandon” speedos. The women packed their Trump flip-flops and cover-ups.

They brought some basic tools, such as their “Build The Wall” Swiss Army knives and “Drain The Swamp” toilet plungers. They packed their Enemy Of The State calendars, which show the person — Joe Biden, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, etc. — whom Trump will arrest that month and send to Guantánamo after he’s reinstated.

The kids packed their Global Pedophile Cabal school supplies: three-ring binders, pocket folders, composition notebooks, crayon boxes, each showing a Cabal member — George Soros, Bill Gates, The Pope, Ellen DeGeneres — so the kids will know to run away from them if they see them.

The oldsters brought their Ginni Thomas vitamin, aspirin, and anti-psychotic pill organizers. Married couples brought their Trump document travel cases. These are matched, wallet-size, waterproof cases in which to carry documents they might need during a trip. For him, there’s the Melania Prenup Agreement Organizer. For her, there’s the Do-Not-Resuscitate Donald Order Holder.

Finally, to make the flight comfortable, each person brought a MyTravelPillow. And carried a Forensic Audit eye mask and Stop The Steal ear plugs in their Anti-Vax fanny pack.

The MAGAs were airborne by midnight. They touched down eleven hours later. They didn’t know where. But the Vineyard islanders had assured them they’d be in a MAGA sanctuary. As they deplaned, all seemed well: the sun shone, the air was hot, and the breeze smelled of the sea. A bus drove them from the plane into town. But when they got off, the MAGAs realized they’d been hijacked to Hell. The islanders shipped them to the Gay haven of Key West, and had them dropped in the middle of a Pride parade.



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Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster

Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster


Retired high school social studies teacher in Michigan’s Up North. I’m a Presbyterian spinster, but I’m no Angel.