Hey Twitter Follower-Did You Just Unfollow Me?

Sravani Saha
Aug 24, 2017 · 3 min read

I don’t understand Twitter. Like seriously, I understand Twitter, but I don’t.

It is like marriage- you are in it but you don’t understand it. You live with it, and you live in it, but you don’t get it.

First, there are people on Twitter who follow you so they can unfollow.

I ask, ‘Why follow when you want to unfollow? And why unfollow when you first want to hit the follow? When you can still follow, why do you unfollow? Then why did you follow if you decided to unfollow?’

They say: ‘I followed you today morning, but a lot has changed since then. Now I don’t want to follow you anymore.

We are breaking up.’

Then there are people who want to follow, then they unfollow, and then they follow you again.

These are the people who had been forced to watch Annabelle and Exorcist in one night in their childhood, leaving them extremely discombobulated for their entire life.

There is another section of Twitter users who want a follow for a follow.

If you don’t follow them back, they unfollow you. ‘You scratch my back and I scratch yours’ is their motto in life.

I tell them: ‘Hey, I don’t need you to scratch my back. I use medicines now. My back is better with the meds.’

They tell me: ‘Ok, then lets wipe. You wipe my butt, I wipe yours.’

I reply: ‘No, thank you. I have my own soft tissue. Eco-friendly. With Aloe and Vitamin E.’

Sometimes, I look at their tissue, and I rethink my decision. If there’s extra aloe, or more Himalayan essences to the tissue, I gladly accept it and give them mine.

There are people who unfollow the moment you tweet.

These people just wait like hungry tigers watching the sheep coming over to drink water. The moment the sheep are close, they pounce.

You may have just noticed the number of your followers. You tweet something. Wham! The number goes down. What is this circus exactly?

Followership on Twitter is like a saw in a carpenter’s workshop-the saw moves ahead and goes back, ahead and goes back. Similarly followers follow and unfollow, follow and unfollow, follow and unfollow throughout their lives.

Twitter is an extremely noisy market where each shop owner throws in a lasso to the passersby while screaming about the dried fish they are selling. They pull you down with the lasso and throw in a dry fish into your mouth forcing you to gulp it. They also scream into your ears while you are trying to get up and go. By the time you reach the end of the market, you are so full of dried fish and blocked ears, you need a year of complete rest before getting back to work.

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The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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Sravani Saha

Written by

Author of ‘Yes, The Eggplant is A Chicken’ https://amzn.to/2Iym2ok Humorist, Satirist, Mom, Ex-Googler. Write to me at s.sravani@gmail.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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