Hi, I’m Your Sun and I’m Going Through a Midlife Crisis

It’s not all sunny up here

Made by the author on Canva

A new study by European Space Agency(ESA) has revealed that the Sun has entered its middle age, estimated to be around 4.57 billion years. It seems that the Sun is also going through a midlife crisis with frequent Solar Flares, Coronal Mass Ejections(CMEs), and Solar Storms. The study was conducted with the help of data collected by the Gaia spacecraft.

Hello Earth people,

I have a couple of things to share with you that I can’t do with anyone else. I’d have talked to those silver-green guys on Mars but they have egos as large as Jupiter(too big for people living on Mars. Have they ever seen their planet?)and non-existent listening skills, which is why I’m talking to you second-best creatures.

Why are you not the best? Because you’re not smart enough to find life in a place you want to colonize. Those guys on that blip of a planet are prepared to wage a full-blown war against you. Tell this to that guy. What’s his name?… Yeah, Elongated Musk.

Anyway, the Gaia spacecraft hovering around me is taking my pictures without my consent. Why don’t you teach it some basic courtesy? A Hi, a Hello, maybe? The spacecraft didn’t even bother to ask me about my midlife crisis. I was going to share it anyway, but still…

So here’s what’s happening: I’m 4.57 billion years old and I only have some 5 billion years left before ending my life in the form of a white dwarf. No, I won’t become Peter Dinklage. What will happen is I’ll run out of my hydrogen supply and become a cool white star. Again, not what you think that is.

The worst part about being at this stage is I often ask myself harrowing questions like: Why won’t these flares and storms on my surface stop? Why have I been burning for so many years? Who am I jealous of? Overthinking these questions, I end up burning more hydrogen leading to more flares and more storms. It’s a mess.

Perhaps I need to do some soul-searching and try to make peace with myself. I’ll see if there are any star therapists around. The last time I called one, they said, “I’m sorry. I can’t come because you’re too hot.” I expected them to give me a better excuse than merely flirting with me.

Anyway, you people take care of your planet. Fight climate change as much as you can. Although I must say there’s not much you can do as I’ll be gulping you up in a few billion years. Till then, enjoy and don’t go to Mars.